Q: How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? A: Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

You think John the Baptist started the SBC. You think God's presence is strongest on the back three pews. You think "Amazing Grace" is the national anthem. You judge the quality of the sermon by the amount of sweat worked up by the preacher. Your definition of fellowship has something to do with food. You ever wondered when Lottie Moon and Annie Armstrong would get paid off. You honestly believe that the Apostle Paul spoke King James English. You think worship music has to be loud. You think Jesus actually used Welch's grape juice and saltine crackers. You judge the quality of a service by its length. You ever wake up in the middle of the night craving fried chicken and interpret that feeling as a call to preach. You believe that you are supposed to take a covered dish to heaven. You have never sung the third verse of any hymn. You have never put an IOU in the offering plate. You think someone who says "Amen" while the preacher is preaching might be a Charismatic. You complain that the pastor only works one day and then he works too long. You clapped in church and felt guilty about it all week. You are old enough to get a senior discount at the pharmacy, but not old enough to promote to the Senior Adult Sunday School; you think the only promotion after that is the cemetery. You are upset that Joshua brought down the wall of Jericho and think that the deacons should recommend that the church pay for it to prevent a general ruckus. You are upset that the last hymn in the new hymnal is numbered "666." You happen to know that Lottie Moon is not a member of the Unification Church. You wonder when they are ever going to get that Cooperative Program thing paid for. Original author unknown.

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?" Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together." They hugged and made their peace. A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I?d have to say I would like it infrequently. "The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or two words?"

One of Sigmund Freud's early patients rushed out into an Austrian afternoon on her way to meet her best friend at a coffee house. Over Cappuccino and Viennese pastries, she suddenly burst out crying. Her friend begged her to share what was wrong. "Oh, it's just terrible," she wailed. "Today the doctor told me I'm in love with my father, and. . .and. . .and you know, he's a married man!"

Top Ten Good Things About Being A New York Yankee presented by George Steinbrenner10. "With the player discount, a hot dog at Yankee Stadium is now only $50"9. "Your bobble-head doll is a legal form of identification in New York State"8. "With me there`s very little pressure to win"7. "Hideki Matsui can teach you to sing in Japanese"6. "After every game, Yogi Berra gives you a complimentary foot massage"5. "Our spring training facility is near a Hooters"4. "Take it from the guy signing the checks -- some of the players do OK for themselves"3. "Pinstripes make your butt look slimmer"2. "You get to meet all of Derek Jeter`s girlfriends"1. "You think this A-Rod deal is good? We`re about to sign TY Cobb"

Q: Ever wonder about people who pay $2 for a bottle of Evian water? A: Just spell "Evian" backwards!

I have my changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables or"Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes.If you look in my freezer now you`ll see a whole new set of labels. You`ll find dinners with neat little tags that say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don`t Know," "I Don`t Care," "Something Good," or "Food." My frustration is now reducedbecause no matter what my husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it is there waiting.

Ever wonder which cartoon character you are most like? Well, a team of researchers got together and analyzed the personalities of cartoon characters. The gathered information has been incorporated into this quiz.Answer each question with the choice that most describes you at this point in your life, then add up the points that correspond with your answers.>1. Which describes your perfect date'a) Candlelight dinner for twob) Amusement Parkc) Rollerblading in the parkd) Rock Concerte) See a movie>2. What is your favorite type of music'a) Rock and Rollb) Alternativec) Soft Rockd) Classicale) Christian>3. What is your favorite type of movie'a) Comedyb) Horrorc) Musicald) Romancee) Documentary>4. Which of the following jobs would you choose if you were given only>these choices'a) Waiter/Waitressb) Sports Playerc) Teacherd) Policemane) Bartender>5. Which would you rather do if you had an hour to waste'a) Work outb) Readc) Watch TVd) Listen to the radioe) Sleep>6. Of the following colors, which do you like the best'a) Yellowb) Whitec) Sky blued) Teale) Red>7. Which one of the following would you like to eat right now'a) Ice creamb) Pizzac) Sushid) Pastae) Salad>8. Which is your favorite holiday'a) Halloweenb) Christmasc) New Year`sd) Valentine`s Daye) Thanksgiving>9. If you could go to any of the following places, which would it be'a) Parisb) Spainc) Las Vegasd) Hawaiie) Hollywood>10. Of the following, who would you rather spend time with'a) Someone who is smartb) Someone with good looksc) Someone who is a party animald) Someone who has fun all the timee) Someone who is very emotional>Now total up your points on each question and find your characterbelow:1. a-4 b-2 c-5 d-1 e-32. a-2 b-1 c-4 d-5 e-33. a-2 b-1 c-3 d-4 e-54. a-4 b-5 c-3 d-2 e-15. a-5 b-4 c-2 d-1 e-36. a-1 b-5 c-3 d-2 e-47. a-3 b-2 c-1 d-4 e-58. a-1 b-3 c-2 d-4 e-59. a-4 b-5 c-1 d-4 e-310. a-5 b-2 c-1 d-3 e-4NOW, Find out which! Looney Tune you are: You are TAZ: You are wild and crazy and you know it! You know how to have fun, but you may take it to extremes. You know what you are doing though, and are much in control of your own life. People don`t always see things your way, but that doesn`t mean that you should do away with your beliefs. Try to remember that your wild spirit can lead to hurting yourself and others. You are Bugs Bunny: You are fun, friendly, and popular. You are a real crowd pleaser. Have probably been out on the town your share of times, yet you come home with the values that your mother taught you.Marriage and children are important to you, but only after you have fun. Don`t let the people you please influence you to stray. You are Tweety: You are cute, and everyone loves you. You are a best friend that no one takes the chance of losing. You never hurt feelings and seldom have your own feelings hurt. Life is a breeze.You are witty, and calm most of the time. Just keep clear of back stabbers and you are worry-free. You are Pepe Le Pew: You are a lover. Romance, flowers, and wine are all you need to enjoy yourself. You are serious about all commitments. A family person. You call your Mom every Sunday, and never forget a Birthday. Don`t let your passion for romance get confused with the real thing. You are Speedy Gonzales: You are smart, a real thinker. Every situation is approached with a plan. You are very healthy in mind and body. You teach strong family values. Keep your feet planted in them, but don`t overlook a bad situation when it does happen.

A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and read from the menu. "I`d like one under-cooked egg so that it`s runny, and one over-cooked egg so that it`s tough and hard to eat. I`d also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it`s impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee." "That`s a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult." The guest replied sarcastically, "It can`t be that difficult because that`s exactly what you brought me yesterday!"

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?" The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did." The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?" Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says: "You."

A snail is on the bar one Christmas, and asks the barman "Excuse me, can I have a pint of beer please?". The barman says "You WHAT?". "May I have a pint of beer, please?" repeats the snail. "Don't be so stupid, snails don't drink beer" snarls the bar man and sweeps the snail off the bar on to the floor. The following Christmas, in the same bar, a snail appears on the counter. The barman asks "What do you want?", whereupon the snail shouts "What did you do THAT for?"

Q: Does subliminal advertising work? A: That's an interesting question. The American public was first introduced to the idea of subliminal advertising in 1957 by James M. Vicary. In a press conference announcing the formation of the Subliminal Projection Company, Vicary claimed that he was able to increase sales of popcorn and Coke through the use of subliminal advertising. According to Vicary, during a six-week test in a movie theater, he was able to drive up sales of popcorn by 57.5% and sales of Coke by 18.1% simply by flashing the slogans "drink Coke" and "eat popcorn" over the movie for 1/3,000th of a second every five seconds. As plausible as his assertions might have been, there was little evidence to support them. For one thing, Vicary refused to reveal where he conducted his experiment or document it in any meaningful way. What's more, psychologists who performed similar experiments concluded that a subliminal ad was no more compelling than a billboard glimpsed from the corner of the eye. In an effort to vindicate his claim, Vicary agreed to run the subliminal message "telephone now" during a Canadian broadcast. Like other documented cases, the experiment failed. Telephone usage didn't increase noticeably, and not a single viewer guessed Vicary's message. While neither this experiment nor previous experiments disproved conclusively the effectiveness of subliminal ads, American broadcasters were so convinced of the ineffectiveness of subliminal messages that they simply volunteered not to run them. BTW, If you're still unconvinced and would like to see more research on the subject, you'll be happy to know that we're running our own little subliminal experiment. We can't tell you about it now, but in the coming weeks we'll reveal our findings.

A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong. "Nothing," said the woman. Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?" "Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you." "Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift." "Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."

Chuck Norris can't get through his steak breakfast without a fifth of whiskey.

Did you hear about the butcher who backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.

Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself...television, ice cream, homework, video games...but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held. The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny, and without comment the game resumed. For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued without any further interruptions. After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, "What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him all day!" "Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to masturbate."

Three construction workers were down town working on a high-rise. A black guy, a Mexican, and a Polish guy. Come lunch time, the three sit down together on a beam and open their lunchboxes. The black guy opens his box and finds chicken wings and grits. "Man, I hate this crap. I've been eating this stuff since I was a kid." The Mexican opens his box and finds burritos and rice. "Me too man. I've had to eat this shit since I was little too." The Polish guy opens his box and finds a PB&J sandwich. "I'm with you guys. I've been eating this stuff for way too long." A week later, the three workers were up on the 30th floor. Come lucnch time, the three sit down together on the beam and open thier lunchboxes. The black guy opens his, and sure enough, chicken wings and grits. "Son of a bitch. I swear, if I get this crap one more time, I'm jumping." The Mexican opens his box, and there it is, burritos and rice. "Me too man. I'm sick of this crap. If I get this crap again, I'm jumping too." The Polish guy opens his box, and sure enough, a PB&J sandwich. "I'm with you guys. If I get another one of these damn sandwiches, I'm jumping with you two." A week passes, and the three are working on the 50th floor. Lunch time comes, and the three sit down together. The black guy opens his box, sees the chicken wings and grits. Standing up, he says goodbye to his friends and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his box, and sure enough, burritos and rice. Saying goodbye to his friend, he too, jumps to his death. The Polish guy opens his box, sees the PB&J sandwich, and jumps to his death as well. A few days later at the funeral, the wives of the three workers were standing around and condoling each other. "I just don't get." the black guy's wife said. "He never told me he didn't like chicken wings or grits." "I know," the Mexican's wife said. "He never told me about the burritos or rice. I would have gladly made him something else." As the two talked, they noticed that the Polish guy's wife was still crying her eyes out. "There, there, dear. It'll be alright." they said to her. "I-I just don't understand it," she cried. "I mean, each day he made his own damn lunch."

What are apricots? Where monkeys sleep.

For all you Sadies out there, an explanation to help you understand ‘man-speak’ [My thanks to Stan C for the following] IT`S A GUY THING: There’s no rational thought pattern connected with this and you have no chance at all of making it logical. CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?: What he really wanted to say was, "Why isn`t dinner already on the table?" UH HUH; SURE, HONEY; OR YES, DEAR: This is a conditioned response and means absolutely nothing. IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN: This is another way of saying, "I have no idea how it works." I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT`S JUST THAT I’VE THINGS ON MY MIND: What this really means is, "I wasn’t listening to you because I was wondering if that blond over there was wearing a bra." TAKE A BREAK DARLING, YOU’RE WORKING TOO HARD: What he really wanted to say was, "I can`t hear the football match on the TV. Please turn off the vacuum cleaner." THAT`S INTERESTING, DEAR: This is another way of saying, "Are you still talking?" YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS: This means, "I remember all the words to `My Way`; the name of the first girl I kissed; and the registration numbers of every car I`ve owned - but I forgot your birthday." I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU SO I GOT YOU THESE FLOWERS: This really means, "The girl selling flowers on the corner was a real beauty, so I bought some from her." HEY, I`VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I`M DOING: But what he didn’t add was, "And I sure hope I think of some pretty good reasons soon.” WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?: What he really wanted to say was, "What did you catch me at this time?" I HEARD YOU: What this means is, "I haven`t the foggiest clue what you just said and I’m hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don`t spend the next 3 days yelling at me. YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE: This really means, "I’m used to the way you shout at me, and I realise it could be worse." YOU LOOK TERRIFIC: What he really wanted to say was, "Please don`t try on one more outfit, I`m absolutely starving."