Facts of life Benny was fed up with being bossed around by his wife Leah so he went to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist told him that he was too much of a mild-mannered man and needed to build up his self-esteem. So he lent Benny a book on assertiveness. Benny started to read the book on the train and by the time he got home, he had finished the book. Benny strode manfully into the house, walked over to Leah, pointed his finger at her and said, "From now onwards you must get it into your head that I and not you make all the decisions in this house. Tonight, I want you to prepare me my favourite meal and I expect a special mouth-watering dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you`re going to run me a hot bath so I can relax. And when I step out of the bath, guess who`s going to dress me and comb my hair?" "Abrahamson, the funeral director, that’s who." replied Leah.
Did you hear about the new shark food restaurant called Jaws? It costs an arm and a leg to eat there!
Ok, I'm going to get a lot of hate mail for this one... What's the definition of the perfect woman? She's three feet tall, has a round hole for a mouth, and her head is flat so you can put a can on it. The sports model has pull back ears and her teeth fold in. The economy model fucks all night and at midnight turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack.
The promise Moishe and Betty were sitting in a romantic restaurant in Soho. Moishe says, “Betty, I’m going to make you the happiest woman in the world.” Betty replies, “I’ll miss you.
I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly. At the window, there was a delay. Finally, the clerk came to the window looking frustrated, and announced, "I'm having a problem. The ice keeps melting."
Yo momma so fat that she sweats more than a dog in a Chinese restaurant.
Chuck Norris doesn't see the glass as half-full or half-empty... he simply kills the asshole who didn't pour him a full beer.
You might be a Redneck if your hunting dog fetches more beer than birds.
Chuck Norris walked in a Chinese restaurant and asked for Chicken Parmesan with Bruschetta bread...and got it.
Q: How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? A: Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
You think John the Baptist started the SBC. You think God's presence is strongest on the back three pews. You think "Amazing Grace" is the national anthem. You judge the quality of the sermon by the amount of sweat worked up by the preacher. Your definition of fellowship has something to do with food. You ever wondered when Lottie Moon and Annie Armstrong would get paid off. You honestly believe that the Apostle Paul spoke King James English. You think worship music has to be loud. You think Jesus actually used Welch's grape juice and saltine crackers. You judge the quality of a service by its length. You ever wake up in the middle of the night craving fried chicken and interpret that feeling as a call to preach. You believe that you are supposed to take a covered dish to heaven. You have never sung the third verse of any hymn. You have never put an IOU in the offering plate. You think someone who says "Amen" while the preacher is preaching might be a Charismatic. You complain that the pastor only works one day and then he works too long. You clapped in church and felt guilty about it all week. You are old enough to get a senior discount at the pharmacy, but not old enough to promote to the Senior Adult Sunday School; you think the only promotion after that is the cemetery. You are upset that Joshua brought down the wall of Jericho and think that the deacons should recommend that the church pay for it to prevent a general ruckus. You are upset that the last hymn in the new hymnal is numbered "666." You happen to know that Lottie Moon is not a member of the Unification Church. You wonder when they are ever going to get that Cooperative Program thing paid for. Original author unknown.
When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?" Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together." They hugged and made their peace. A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."
An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I?d have to say I would like it infrequently. "The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or two words?"
One of Sigmund Freud's early patients rushed out into an Austrian afternoon on her way to meet her best friend at a coffee house. Over Cappuccino and Viennese pastries, she suddenly burst out crying. Her friend begged her to share what was wrong. "Oh, it's just terrible," she wailed. "Today the doctor told me I'm in love with my father, and. . .and. . .and you know, he's a married man!"
Top Ten Good Things About Being A New York Yankee presented by George Steinbrenner10. "With the player discount, a hot dog at Yankee Stadium is now only $50"9. "Your bobble-head doll is a legal form of identification in New York State"8. "With me there`s very little pressure to win"7. "Hideki Matsui can teach you to sing in Japanese"6. "After every game, Yogi Berra gives you a complimentary foot massage"5. "Our spring training facility is near a Hooters"4. "Take it from the guy signing the checks -- some of the players do OK for themselves"3. "Pinstripes make your butt look slimmer"2. "You get to meet all of Derek Jeter`s girlfriends"1. "You think this A-Rod deal is good? We`re about to sign TY Cobb"
Q: Ever wonder about people who pay $2 for a bottle of Evian water? A: Just spell "Evian" backwards!
I have my changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables or"Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes.If you look in my freezer now you`ll see a whole new set of labels. You`ll find dinners with neat little tags that say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don`t Know," "I Don`t Care," "Something Good," or "Food." My frustration is now reducedbecause no matter what my husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it is there waiting.
Ever wonder which cartoon character you are most like? Well, a team of researchers got together and analyzed the personalities of cartoon characters. The gathered information has been incorporated into this quiz.Answer each question with the choice that most describes you at this point in your life, then add up the points that correspond with your answers.>1. Which describes your perfect date'a) Candlelight dinner for twob) Amusement Parkc) Rollerblading in the parkd) Rock Concerte) See a movie>2. What is your favorite type of music'a) Rock and Rollb) Alternativec) Soft Rockd) Classicale) Christian>3. What is your favorite type of movie'a) Comedyb) Horrorc) Musicald) Romancee) Documentary>4. Which of the following jobs would you choose if you were given only>these choices'a) Waiter/Waitressb) Sports Playerc) Teacherd) Policemane) Bartender>5. Which would you rather do if you had an hour to waste'a) Work outb) Readc) Watch TVd) Listen to the radioe) Sleep>6. Of the following colors, which do you like the best'a) Yellowb) Whitec) Sky blued) Teale) Red>7. Which one of the following would you like to eat right now'a) Ice creamb) Pizzac) Sushid) Pastae) Salad>8. Which is your favorite holiday'a) Halloweenb) Christmasc) New Year`sd) Valentine`s Daye) Thanksgiving>9. If you could go to any of the following places, which would it be'a) Parisb) Spainc) Las Vegasd) Hawaiie) Hollywood>10. Of the following, who would you rather spend time with'a) Someone who is smartb) Someone with good looksc) Someone who is a party animald) Someone who has fun all the timee) Someone who is very emotional>Now total up your points on each question and find your characterbelow:1. a-4 b-2 c-5 d-1 e-32. a-2 b-1 c-4 d-5 e-33. a-2 b-1 c-3 d-4 e-54. a-4 b-5 c-3 d-2 e-15. a-5 b-4 c-2 d-1 e-36. a-1 b-5 c-3 d-2 e-47. a-3 b-2 c-1 d-4 e-58. a-1 b-3 c-2 d-4 e-59. a-4 b-5 c-1 d-4 e-310. a-5 b-2 c-1 d-3 e-4NOW, Find out which! Looney Tune you are: You are TAZ: You are wild and crazy and you know it! You know how to have fun, but you may take it to extremes. You know what you are doing though, and are much in control of your own life. People don`t always see things your way, but that doesn`t mean that you should do away with your beliefs. Try to remember that your wild spirit can lead to hurting yourself and others. You are Bugs Bunny: You are fun, friendly, and popular. You are a real crowd pleaser. Have probably been out on the town your share of times, yet you come home with the values that your mother taught you.Marriage and children are important to you, but only after you have fun. Don`t let the people you please influence you to stray. You are Tweety: You are cute, and everyone loves you. You are a best friend that no one takes the chance of losing. You never hurt feelings and seldom have your own feelings hurt. Life is a breeze.You are witty, and calm most of the time. Just keep clear of back stabbers and you are worry-free. You are Pepe Le Pew: You are a lover. Romance, flowers, and wine are all you need to enjoy yourself. You are serious about all commitments. A family person. You call your Mom every Sunday, and never forget a Birthday. Don`t let your passion for romance get confused with the real thing. You are Speedy Gonzales: You are smart, a real thinker. Every situation is approached with a plan. You are very healthy in mind and body. You teach strong family values. Keep your feet planted in them, but don`t overlook a bad situation when it does happen.
A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and read from the menu. "I`d like one under-cooked egg so that it`s runny, and one over-cooked egg so that it`s tough and hard to eat. I`d also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it`s impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee." "That`s a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult." The guest replied sarcastically, "It can`t be that difficult because that`s exactly what you brought me yesterday!"
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?" The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did." The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?" Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says: "You."
Food Trivia

The weight of a Babybel is 21 grammes.

Food Joke

{"id":1773,"text":"A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, \"Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?\" \nThe wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. \"Yes. Yes he did.\" \nThe old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, \"Who? Who was he? Who was the father?\" \nAgain, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says: \"You.\"","created_at":"2025-01-23 13:00:03","updated_at":"2025-01-23 13:00:03"}

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