A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the "Chicken Surprise." The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast-iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Sputtering in a fit of pique, he calls the waiter over, describes what is happening, and demands an explanation! "Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise." "Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I brought you Peeking Duck."

A Frenchman, an Italian and a Texan were discussing love-making. "Last night I made love to my wife three times" boasted the Frenchman. "She was in sheer ecstasy this morning..." "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times", the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man." When the Texan remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once." he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop."

Where does Ice Cream go to school? Answer: Sundae School.

Three old pilots are walking on the ramp. First one says, "Windy, isn`t it? Second says, "No, its Thursday! Third one says, "So am I. Lest go get a beer..

The party of the first part , being of sound mind and pretty good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part : 1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship , each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet terminated. Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, and/or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere. 2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison blameless in the event that the "fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser" or "psycho bitch". 3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed past the first date, both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said "dating": For the first thirty days, both parties consent to say they are "going out". Following the first thirty days, both parties may say they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an item". Sixty days following the commencement of the first date, either member may elect to use the terms "girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple". Under no circumstances are the phrases "my better half", "the little woman", "the old ball and chain", or "my old man/lady" acceptable. Furthermore, if both members consent, this timetable may be sped up; however, if either party "gets too serious" and disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may once again be said to be "on the market". 4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty days, both parties agree not to ask questions about the other's whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; both parties agree they have no "rights" or "holds" on the other's time. Following the first six weeks or forty-five days, if one party continues to be "missing in action" without explanation, the "wounded party" agrees to "give up". 5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty days, both members of the couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. All dates will be made at least twenty-four hours in advance; there will be no "running off in the middle of the night to console an old girl/boyfriend", and both parties agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their vocabularies. Further, during the first six weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt one spontaneous home-cooked meal or to arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following the first forty-five days, both parties will return to their normal personalities. 6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that -- respective gross income aside -- "he" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until: "He" considers her suitably impressed, "he" is broke, or "he" says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!" Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom, which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time. 7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS: (occasionally known as the "Why.

When pigs have a party, who jumps out of the cake? Nobody. The pigs all jump in.

A Texan, a Russian, and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London. ''Excuse me, but if you wanted the steak you might not get one as there is a shortage due to the mad cow disease,'' says the waiter. The Texan says, ''What's a shortage?'' The Russian says, ''What's a steak?'' The New Yorker says, ''What's excuse me?''.

What's the difference between a vampire and a cookie? You can't dip a vampire in your tea.

This small Latino man walks into a bar, sits, and orders a beer. A big man comes in, taps him on his shoulder, and says, "You're sitting in my seat!" The same Spanish man ignores him and orders another beer. The man again taps him on his shoulder, and tells him he's sitting in his seat. The same Spanish man gets up, leans over the seat, and says. "I don't see your name on it." He sits down again and orders still another beer. "The man says...I know Karate!" The small Latino man says, "I know JUDO! JU DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE A GUN! JU DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE A KNIFE!"

An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little town where they first met. They sat in a small coffee shop in the town and were telling the waitress about their love for each other and how they met at this same spot. Sitting next to them was the local cop and he smiled as the old couple spoke. After the waitress left the table, the old man said to his wife, 'Remember the first time we made love, it was up in that field across the road, when I put you against the fence. Why don't we do it again for old times sake?' The wife giggled like crazy and said, 'Sure, why not.' So off they went out the door and across to the field. The cop smiled to himself, thinking how romantic this was and decided he better keep an eye on the couple so they didn't run into any harm. The old couple walked to the field and as they approached the fence they began to undress. The old man picked up his wife when they were naked and leaned her against the fence. The cop was watching from the bushes and was surprised at what he saw. With the vitality of youth, the wife bounced up and down excitedly, while the husband thrashed around like a wild man, then they both fell to the ground in exhaustion. Eventually, they stood up,shook themselves, and got dressed. As they walked back towards the road, the cop stepped from his hiding spot and said, 'That is the most wonderful love making I have ever seen. You must have been a wild couple when you were young.' 'not really,' said the old man, 'when we were young, that fence wasn't electric.'.

How many McDonald's counter girls does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it and one to put some chips with it.

Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, "That`s because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it." The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."

Liver n` Cheese There were these three guys at a cafe, drinking their coffee - an American guy, a black guy, and a Chinese guy. They see a really attractive waitress and comment on her good looks. Next thing you know they start making bets on who can get her to go out with them first. The waitress overhears them, and she goes up to them and says, "Hey, I heard you talking about me. Well, I like an intelligent guy, so let`s see who can make the best sentence using the words `liver` and `cheese`." So the American guy goes, "That`s easy. I love liver and I hate cheese." The waitress shakes her heard in disgust. The black guy goes, "Well, I hate liver and I love cheese." The waitress says, "That is so stupid. That`s essentially the same thing!" Then the Chinese guy steps up and puts his arm around the waitress` waist. "Liver alone, cheese mine!"

Diner: Waitress, the portions are getting smaller. Waiter: It's just an optical illusion. It's just that the restaurant has been enlarged.

How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.

Two hunters are in the woods in deer season. The morning hunt over, they head back to camp together. As they make their way along the path, they hear a loud crashing noise and look up to see a very large bear charging down a hillside. Realizing simultaneously, that they are the bear`s intended targets, not to mention lunch, one of the hunters immediately takes off his back pack, drops to the ground and begins to change from his hunting boots to tennis shoes. The other hunter bewildered asks "You don`t really think you can out run that bear do you?" The first hunter replies, "No, but I can outrun you."

Why was the 2 piece bikini invented? To separate the meat section from the dairy section. It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly matron sitting at the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young blonde woman beside her. Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the blonde and bellowed with a loud voice, "Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!""So would I," quipped the blonde, "but you know, there just isn't time enough during a coffee break." Don't believe everything that you see. Most of it is done with smoke and mirrors and push-up bras! The drinker announced to the bartender, "It seems I've been informally named advisor on 'Sexual Matters' at my company." "That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be counseling the big bosses on relations with their secretaries?" "I'm not sure yet," he answered. "During a staff meeting, I popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after that I was told if they ever wanted my fucking advice, they'd let me know." What do you call a prostitute with her hand in her panties? Self employed. Two Ministers were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world. "I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one clergyman self righteously. "Did you?""I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?" What's the difference between a bonus and a penis? A woman will always blow a bonus. "Crime of passion" is a phrase that drives me crazy. A man murdering his girlfriend is not a crime of passion. Premature ejaculation - that's a crime of passion. Why is Viagra like Disneyworld? You have to wait an hour for a three I minute ride. Last night I came home, I walked in the house, I picked up the extension. My wife was having phone sex with some guy. I told the guy, "Don't let her fool you, she's faking it." An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked. "Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa." "You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested. "Sectional, schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"

Why is Toblerone triangular? So it will fit in the box.

Saturday, October 13. 2007 What did the little ghost eat for lunch? A booloney sandwich!

The teacher walks in and finds an apple on her desk with the letters "ILU" written on it. The teacher asks who left it. A little white girl raises her hand. Well sweetie, what does "ILU" mean? The little girl replies, "I love you." The teacher says, "Isn't that sweet," and continues with class. The next day the teacher finds a banana on her desk with the letters "YAS" written on it. The teacher asks who left and what does it mean. A little white boy raises his hand and says, "It means, You are special." "Thank you sweetheart", the teacher says. The following day, the teacher walks in to find a watermelon with the letters "FUCK" written on it. The enraged teacher asks who left it and if they know what that means. A little black girl raises her hand and cheerfully says, "Yes maam, I left it. It means, from us colored kids!".