Which football team loves ice-cream? Aston Vanilla!

Q: What do you call a mushroom that brings all the beer to your party? A: A fungi .

What does a Chinese person say when he bangs himself on the coffee table? I hit mi fah kin ni!

So who’s kidding who? Maurice and Rifka are a lovely elderly couple, both in their eighties. One day, Rifka says to Maurice, “Do you know what I’d like right now - an ice cream.” “Then I’ll go get you one,” says Maurice. “That’s sweet of you, dear,” says Rifka. “Go get a piece of paper so you can write down what I want. You know how bad your memory is these days.” “Don’t you worry,” says Maurice, “I won’t forget – just tell me what you want.” “I’d rather you wrote it down,” says Rifka. “Please don’t argue,” says Maurice, “what do you want?” “I want a cornet with one scoop of raspberry ice cream. Please write it down.” “I don’t need to. Do you want anything else?” says Maurice. “Yes, I’ll also have a scoop of chocolate ice cream,” replies Rifka. “Anything else?” says Maurice. “Yes, I’ll have some butterscotch sauce on top of the ice cream. But are you sure you won’t write it down?” says Rifka. “I don’t need to, honest. Now do you want anything else?” says Maurice. “Well now you ask,” says Rifka, “I’d like a sprinkling of nuts over the sauce and to finish it off, a glace cherry on top. But will you remember all of that?” “Yes, dear, stop nagging,” says Maurice and leaves to get the order. 50 minutes later Maurice comes back with a parcel. He goes straight to Rifka and proudly announces, “Darling, here’s the fried fish you asked for!” Rifka looks in the parcel, then at him and says, “I knew you would forget something. So where are the chips?

Sign at restaurant reads: Eat here diet home.

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and _talk_ to me." He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no! My wife's dinner party!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he _dropped_ the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: "Come on guys, we're almost there!"?

Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one. The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you." "Why not?" "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."

Q: What did the green grape say to the purple grape? A: "Breathe, stupid!"

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubb on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

You know you are addicted to coffee if ... Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

A guy stumbles through the front door of a bar, ambles up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the drunk man and says,"I'm sorry sir, but I can't serve you...you've already had too much to drink." The guy swears and walks out of the bar. Five minutes later the guy comes flying through the side door of the bar, and yells for a beer. Again the bartender says,"I'm sorry, sir...but I can't serve you...you've already had too much to drink!" Ten minutes later, the same guy comes barrel-assing through the back door of the bar, storms up to the bartender, and demands a beer. Again, the bartender says to the man..."I'm really sorry, sir, but you've had too much to drink...you're going to have to leave!" The guy looks quizzically at the bartender and says finally, "My God, man... How many bars do you work at?!"

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

1. You know you're over the hill when you are arranging your hair instead of combing it. 2. You know you're over the hill when your idea of a good workout is standing up. 3. You know you're over the hill when you start picking your teeth out of the popcorn.

Chuck Norris once visited a restaurant in Hiroshima back in 1945 and ordered a BigMac. when the waiter didn't know what it was, Chuck made him explode.

Where can you buy panties made of fertilizer bags and bras made out of beer cans? Fredericks of Poland.

Three elderly ladies were discussing the trials of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," she raps her knuckles on the table, then says, "That must be the door, I'll get it."

Waiter: "How did you find your steak, sir,"? Young Man: "Quite accidentally, I assure you. I moved that piece of lettuce and there it was."

The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked, "What kinds of ice cream do you have?""Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry," the girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest and seemed unable to continue."Do you have laryngitis?" the young man asked sympathetically."Nope," she whispered, "just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry."

It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup.

Your Starship Captain just might be a redneck if... Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month. He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles. You have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob." He refers to Klingons as "Critters." He refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns." He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil. He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section. He says, "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies." He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen. He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle. He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it. He says, "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage." He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser. He insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba." He sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster." He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens. He paints the starship John Deere green. He refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special." He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp." His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale. He sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen." His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls. He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge. He sets phaser to "Cajun."