An old Jewish man went to a diner every day for lunch. He always ordered the soup du jour. One day the manager asked him how he liked his meal. The old man replied , "Vas goot, but you could give a little more bread." So the next day the manager told the waitress to give him four slices of bread. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asked. "Vas goot, but you could give a little more bread," came the reply. So the next day the manager told the waitress to give him eight slices of bread. "How was your meal today, sir?" the manager asked. "Vas goot, but you could give maybe a little more bread," came the reply. So...the next day the manager told the waitress to give him a whole loaf of bread with his soup. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asked, when he came to hand him the bill. "Vas goot, but you could give maybe a little more bread," came the reply once again. The manager was obsessed with seeing this customer say that he is satisfied with his meal, so he went to the bakery, and ordered a six-foot-long loaf of bread. When the man came in as usual the next day, the waitress and the manager cut the loaf in half, buttered the entire length of each half, and laid it out along the counter, right next to his bowl of soup. The old man sat down, and devoured his bowl of soup, and both halves of the six-foot-long loaf of bread. The manager now thinks he will get the answer he is looking for, and when the old man came up to pay for his meal, the manager asked in the usual way, "How was your meal TODAY, sir?" The old Jew replied, "It vas goot as usual, but vy you are back to giving only two slices bread!"

You know you are addicted to coffee if ... The only time you`re standing still is during an earthquake.

An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem. "Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response." So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." "Honey, what's for supper?" No response. So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response. So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response. On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?". No response. So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?" "For the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in Church beside me wife." "Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know,he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

"First," said the playboy, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose." "Oh no you're not," said the girl. "Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks." "Oh no you're not." "Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks." "Oh no you're not." "Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you." "Oh no you're not." "And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy. "Oh yes you are!" said the girl.

Who was the most famous pirate octopus? Captain Squid!

Top Ten Things to Describe a Stupid Person 1. A few crumbs short of a crouton. 2. A few clowns short of a circus. 3. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. 4. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. 5. A few beers short of a six-pack. 6. A few peas short of a casserole. 7. The wheel`s spinning, but the hamster`s dead. 8. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl. 9. One taco short of a combination plate. 10. A few feathers short of a whole duck.

An old man and an old woman were sitting at the breakfast table on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary. The old man said,"You know, 50 years ago, we were probably sitting here buck naked." The woman said, "Why don't we try that again?" So they stripped and sat down at the table again. Soon the old woman said, "Honey, my titties are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago." The man replied, "Of course they are dear, one's in your oatmeal and the others in your coffee!"

A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the "Chicken Surprise." The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast-iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Sputtering in a fit of pique, he calls the waiter over, describes what is happening, and demands an explanation! "Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise." "Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I brought you Peeking Duck."

A Frenchman, an Italian and a Texan were discussing love-making. "Last night I made love to my wife three times" boasted the Frenchman. "She was in sheer ecstasy this morning..." "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times", the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man." When the Texan remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once." he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop."

Where does Ice Cream go to school? Answer: Sundae School.

Three old pilots are walking on the ramp. First one says, "Windy, isn`t it? Second says, "No, its Thursday! Third one says, "So am I. Lest go get a beer..

The party of the first part , being of sound mind and pretty good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part : 1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship , each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet terminated. Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, and/or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere. 2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison blameless in the event that the "fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser" or "psycho bitch". 3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed past the first date, both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said "dating": For the first thirty days, both parties consent to say they are "going out". Following the first thirty days, both parties may say they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an item". Sixty days following the commencement of the first date, either member may elect to use the terms "girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple". Under no circumstances are the phrases "my better half", "the little woman", "the old ball and chain", or "my old man/lady" acceptable. Furthermore, if both members consent, this timetable may be sped up; however, if either party "gets too serious" and disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may once again be said to be "on the market". 4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty days, both parties agree not to ask questions about the other's whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; both parties agree they have no "rights" or "holds" on the other's time. Following the first six weeks or forty-five days, if one party continues to be "missing in action" without explanation, the "wounded party" agrees to "give up". 5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty days, both members of the couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. All dates will be made at least twenty-four hours in advance; there will be no "running off in the middle of the night to console an old girl/boyfriend", and both parties agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their vocabularies. Further, during the first six weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt one spontaneous home-cooked meal or to arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following the first forty-five days, both parties will return to their normal personalities. 6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that -- respective gross income aside -- "he" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until: "He" considers her suitably impressed, "he" is broke, or "he" says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!" Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom, which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time. 7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS: (occasionally known as the "Why.

When pigs have a party, who jumps out of the cake? Nobody. The pigs all jump in.

A Texan, a Russian, and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London. ''Excuse me, but if you wanted the steak you might not get one as there is a shortage due to the mad cow disease,'' says the waiter. The Texan says, ''What's a shortage?'' The Russian says, ''What's a steak?'' The New Yorker says, ''What's excuse me?''.

What's the difference between a vampire and a cookie? You can't dip a vampire in your tea.

This small Latino man walks into a bar, sits, and orders a beer. A big man comes in, taps him on his shoulder, and says, "You're sitting in my seat!" The same Spanish man ignores him and orders another beer. The man again taps him on his shoulder, and tells him he's sitting in his seat. The same Spanish man gets up, leans over the seat, and says. "I don't see your name on it." He sits down again and orders still another beer. "The man says...I know Karate!" The small Latino man says, "I know JUDO! JU DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE A GUN! JU DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE A KNIFE!"

An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little town where they first met. They sat in a small coffee shop in the town and were telling the waitress about their love for each other and how they met at this same spot. Sitting next to them was the local cop and he smiled as the old couple spoke. After the waitress left the table, the old man said to his wife, 'Remember the first time we made love, it was up in that field across the road, when I put you against the fence. Why don't we do it again for old times sake?' The wife giggled like crazy and said, 'Sure, why not.' So off they went out the door and across to the field. The cop smiled to himself, thinking how romantic this was and decided he better keep an eye on the couple so they didn't run into any harm. The old couple walked to the field and as they approached the fence they began to undress. The old man picked up his wife when they were naked and leaned her against the fence. The cop was watching from the bushes and was surprised at what he saw. With the vitality of youth, the wife bounced up and down excitedly, while the husband thrashed around like a wild man, then they both fell to the ground in exhaustion. Eventually, they stood up,shook themselves, and got dressed. As they walked back towards the road, the cop stepped from his hiding spot and said, 'That is the most wonderful love making I have ever seen. You must have been a wild couple when you were young.' 'not really,' said the old man, 'when we were young, that fence wasn't electric.'.

How many McDonald's counter girls does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it and one to put some chips with it.

Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, "That`s because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it." The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."