Fred collected lots of money from trick-or-treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate. "You should give that money to charity," said the sales girl. Fred thought for a moment and said, "No, I'll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity."

What food is good for the brain? Noodle soup.

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up. Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!" The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"

What is a cow's favorite lunch meat? Bullogna.

Yo momma is so poor that I came over for dinner and she read me recipes.

After the third day of a really torrid honeymoon, the young couple finally emerged from their room and walked into the hotel restaurant. After they were seated, the waiter came over to get their orders. The new husband looked at his bride and said, "You know what I really feel like honey?" "Well sure," she blushed, "But we gotta eat sometime!"

Are you old enough to remember these roadside messages? DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD TO GAIN A MINUTE YOU NEED YOUR HEAD YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT **Burma-Shave** DROVE TOO LONG DRIVER SNOOZING WHAT HAPPENED NEXT IS NOT AMUSING **Burma-Shave** BROTHER SPEEDERS LET'S REHEARSE ALL TOGETHER GOOD MORNING NURSE **Burma-Shave** CAUTIOUS RIDER TO HER RECKLESS DEAR LET'S HAVE LESS BULL AND LOTS MORE STEER **Burma-Shave** THE MIDNIGHT RIDE OF PAUL FOR BEER LED TO A WARMER HEMISPHERE **Burma-Shave** SPEED WAS HIGH WEATHER WAS NOT TIRES WERE THIN X MARKS THE SPOT **Burma-Shave** AROUND THE CURVE LICKETY--SPLIT IT'S A BEAUTIFUL CAR WASN'T IT? **Burma-Shave** PASSING CARS WHEN YOU CAN'T SEE MAY GET YOU A GLIMPSE OF ETERNITY **Burma-Shave** NO MATTER THE PRICE NO MATTER HOW NEW THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE IN THE CAR IS YOU **Burma-Shave** A GUY WHO DRIVES A CAR WIDE OPEN IS NOT THINKIN' HE'S JUST HOPIN' **Burma-Shave** AT INTERSECTIONS LOOK EACH WAY A HARP SOUNDS NICE BUT ITS HARD TO PLAY **Burma-Shave** BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL EYES ON THE ROAD THAT'S THE SKILLFUL DRIVER'S CODE **Burma-Shave** THE ONE WHO DRIVES WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING DEPENDS ON YOU TO DO HIS THINKING **Burma-Shave.

Four doctors who hadn’t seen each other since their surgical residencies met at a medical seminar. Adjourning for dinner and drinks, they turned their conversation to who makes the best surgical patients: The first said, for sure, electrical engineers. “You open ‘em up,” he contended, “and everything is color-coded.” “Nah,” said the second. “It’s librarians. You open ‘em up and everything is alphabetized.” The third scoffed. “Of course not,” he said. “It’s accountants. You open ‘em up and everything is numbered.” “Lawyers,” said the fourth, with a shake of his head. “It’s lawyers, you idiots! No heart, no guts, no spine, and the ass and the brain are interchangeable.

Two old friends crossed paths after not seeing one another for almost a decade. Utkarsh: "What are you doing these days?" Sparsh: "PHD." Utkarsh: "Wow! You're a doctor!" Sparsh: "No, Pizza Home Delivery."

Yo momma's like cake mix, 15 servings per package!

Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. However, they decided to party instead. Well, as you might have guessed, they didn't get any studying done. When they went to the test, they decided to tell the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything. Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to separate classrooms to take the exam. Each shrugged and went to two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the first question. "For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom." At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease. Then, the test continued... "For 95 points, tell me which tire it was."

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" The woman replied, "Well, the first hearse is for my husband." "What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him." She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women. "Could I borrow that dog?" "Get in line."

One day a guy on a vacation heard of an Indian with an amazing memory, so he decided to visit the Indian and see what the big deal was. He went to the Indian and asked him, "What did you eat for breakfast on July 2, 1961?" The Indian replied, "Eggs." The same man came back 10 years later to see the Indian again. He greeted him by saying, "How." The Indian said, "Fried."

What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner is on me!

Because I’m a man Because I’m a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You`re a woman - you never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn`t a problem. Because I’m a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries, like milk or bread. Don’t expect me to find exotic items like ‘cumin’ or ‘tofu’. For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, ever expect me to purchase anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. Because I’m a man, there’s no need to ask me what I`m thinking about. The answer is always ‘sex’, ‘cars’ or ‘sport’. Because I’m a man, I don’t want to visit your mother or have her come visit us or talk to her when she calls or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother`s Day is OK - I don`t need to see it. And don`t forget to pick up something for my mother too. Because I’m a man, you don`t have to ask me if I liked the movie. If you`re crying at the end of it, chances are I didn`t. And if you’re feeling amorous afterwards, then I’ll certainly remember the name and recommend it to others. Because I’m a man, I think what you`re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing 5 minutes ago was also fine. Either pair of shoes is fine. With or without the belt, it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now? Because I’m a man, and this is the year 2005, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming and the dishes. I`ll do the rest, like looking for my socks.

Jon left for a two day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few blocks away from his house when he realized he'd left his plane ticket on top of his dresser. He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door, walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee. She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out, and squeezed her left tit. "Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Jon won't be here for breakfast tomorrow."

In the winter of 1990, I was asked to appear on a television talk show in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. At the end of our first day of taping I was on my way back to my plush, high-rise, cable-TV, twenty-four-hour room service hotel, when I saw something I'd never seen before. Lying on the sidewalk against a building in four inches of snow was a man sleeping with only a cardboard blanket to keep him from being completely exposed to the freezing cold. What really broke my heart was when I realized that he wore no shoes or socks. I thought to stop and help him but was not quite sure what to do. As the traffic light turned green, it seemed life was demanding that I move along. So I did. Back in the "anything I wanted was mine" environment of my hotel, I promptly forgot about the man on the street. Several days later, prior to the morning taping, I was having coffee and Danish in the green room at the station. All of the "important" people had left the room and it was just me and the janitor remaining. I had seen him quietly go about his business every day while I was there, and he never said a word except "Good morning" or "Can I get anything for you, sir?" He always had a smile to give to everyone. When I asked him how he was feeling today, he told me that he'd been having to ride his bike to work in the snow and that he'd been feeling rather sorry for himself. . .that is, until he saw a man sleeping down on the corner of Yonge Street and Bloor with just a piece of cardboard for covering from the cold and no shoes. I almost choked on my Danish as I heard him go on to relate how he was so moved with compassion for the man that he went around the corner to a store and bought the man a pair of socks and shoes. As I heard his story, I saw in my mind a poster that used to be in an old friend's bedroom when I was a teenager. It was a picture of a child handing someone a flower and the caption read: "The smallest deed always exceeds the grandest of intentions." I stood there wishing it was me who had bought the shoes and socks for the man, when they called my name to come to the set. As I got to the studio, they were just concluding an interview with a social worker who specialized in benevolence for eastern Ontario. The social worker relayed a story about Mother Teresa, who when asked once how she had accomplished such great things in her life responded, "None of us can do anything great on our own, but we can all do a small thing with great love." When I went home that day, I looked for the man on the street. He was gone, but I knew it wouldn't be long before someone took his place. from Chicken Soup for the Country Soul.

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed." "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion."

Why are fried onions like a photocopy machine? They keep repeating themselves.

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.