POEM: The night before Chanukah [My thanks to BMS for the following] `Twas the night before Chanukah and all over the place There was noise, there was kvetching Soch ah disgrace! The kinderlach, sleeping, uneasily felt The chocolate rush from the Chanukah gelt. And me in the easyboy, so stuffed with latkes, I stretched the elastic which held up my gatkes. When up on the roof A fat alter kocker was making a kvitch. I jumped up real quick and I ran to the door, Was it a bandeet, or only a shnorrer? He wasn`t alone; he had eight ferdelach, And called them by name as he gave a gebrach: "On Moishe, on Yankel, on Itzik, on Sam, On Mendel, on Shmendrick, on Feivush, on Ham, My kidneys are kvelling, do you give a damn?" He had a white beard and payess to boot, And to keep out the cold, he had such a nice suit! A second from Peerless, I could tell at a glance, But the cut was okay, and so were the pants. He was triple XL, a real groisser goof, So I yelled out, "Meshuggeneh! Get off from mein roof!" He jumped down and said as he shook hands with me, "Max Klaus is the name. You have maybe some tea?" So I gave him a gleisel, while he shook his white mop, Mutt`ring, "Always the same thing, They`re dreying my kop!" From Vancouver to Glacer Bay, Outremont to Reginek, Every shmo in the world hakks meir a cheinik! They`re screaming for presents, and challah with shmaltz, And from Brooklyn alone, the back pain, gevaltz!" So we sat and yenta’d, and we spun the old dreydels, (He took all of my money, and one of my kanidels) He said, "Business is not bad, a living I make, But I`m getting too old for this Chanukah fake; And the cell phones, you see how my pacemaker dings? For two cents I`d quit, and move to Palm Springs?" And he gave a geshrei as he fled mit a lacht, "Gut Yontif to all, Veh is Mir, such a nacht!"

All we ever seem to hear is Jewish jokes so here are two gentile jokes Patrick goes into the John Lewis Menswear department and says, "This is a very fine jacket. How much is it?" The salesman says, "It`s £500." Patrick says, "OK, I`ll take it." Sean calls his mother. "Mother, I know you `re expecting me for dinner tonight, but something important has come up and I can`t make it." His mother says, "OK."

A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with "1 John 4:18" which reads "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake "John 4:18" ... "for you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband."

Jim invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal; his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Jim's room mate, Angie, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Jim and his room mate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Jim volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Angie & I are just room mates". About a week later, Angie came to Jim saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I have been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?" "Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure" said Jim. So he sat down and wrote an email. DEAR MOTHER, I AM NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE. I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER. LOVE JIM Several days later, Jim received an email from his mother which read: DEAR SON, I AM NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH ANGIE, AND I AM NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH ANGIE, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW. LOVE MOM.

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment...make it memorable.

George W. Bush walks into a restaurant in Washington DC with his wife Laura. The waiter approaches the table and asks for his order. "I'll have your biggest, juiciest London Broil," answers the President. "But sir, what about the mad cow?!" asks the waiter. "Oh," answers Dubya, "she'll order for herself."

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar," he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancee. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the Maitre'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait. "Would you like to wait in the bar, Sir?", he says. The man goes into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?" The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist." The bartender pauses for a few seconds, then smiles and says, "Once upon time, there were FOUR little peegs . . . "

Two elderly men were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ed noticed something funny about Joe's ear. He said, "Joe did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" "I have? A suppository?" He pulled it out and stared at it. Then he said: "Ed, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

An Arab, Frenchman, American and a Mexican are riding down the highway. The Arab picks up an AK-47. He shoots a couple of rounds and then throws the gun out the window. The American asks him why he through the gun out the window and the Arab says they have so many of those where he is from he doesn`t care about what happens to them. The Frenchman picks up a bottle of wine and drinks a little and throws it out the window. The American asks him why he tossed it. The Frenchman says they have so much of it where he is from he doesn`t care what happens to it. The American picks up the Mexican and throws him out the window.

White hair One morning, as little Hannah was sitting at the kitchen sink watching her mother wash and dry the breakfast plates, she noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair mixed in with her dark hair. Hannah looked at her mother and said, "Why have you got some white hairs, mummy?" Her mother replied, "Well darling, every time a daughter does something bad to make her mother cry or unhappy, one of her mother’s hairs turns white." Hannah thought about this information for a few moments then said, "Mummy, so how come all of grandma`s hairs are white?"

Q: What is blue and goes up and down?A: A blueberry in an elevator!Q: What is the difference between an elephant and a blueberry?A: They`re both blue, except for the elephant.Q: What do you get when 354 blueberries try to go through the door at the same time?A: A Blueberry Jam!Q: What do you get when you merge IBM and AppleA: Blueberry MacsMr. Spock: "What is the formula for PI?"Chekov: "Er...apple or blueberry, sir?"

I just bought a cured ham; I wonder what it had.

One day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog was hopping towards a water hole. The forest was so enormous that the frog had never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop and said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. Bear, you can go first." The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female." For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that. It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well." The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the bike. For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, were female." The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."

Which football team loves ice-cream? Aston Vanilla!

Q: What do you call a mushroom that brings all the beer to your party? A: A fungi .

What does a Chinese person say when he bangs himself on the coffee table? I hit mi fah kin ni!

So who’s kidding who? Maurice and Rifka are a lovely elderly couple, both in their eighties. One day, Rifka says to Maurice, “Do you know what I’d like right now - an ice cream.” “Then I’ll go get you one,” says Maurice. “That’s sweet of you, dear,” says Rifka. “Go get a piece of paper so you can write down what I want. You know how bad your memory is these days.” “Don’t you worry,” says Maurice, “I won’t forget – just tell me what you want.” “I’d rather you wrote it down,” says Rifka. “Please don’t argue,” says Maurice, “what do you want?” “I want a cornet with one scoop of raspberry ice cream. Please write it down.” “I don’t need to. Do you want anything else?” says Maurice. “Yes, I’ll also have a scoop of chocolate ice cream,” replies Rifka. “Anything else?” says Maurice. “Yes, I’ll have some butterscotch sauce on top of the ice cream. But are you sure you won’t write it down?” says Rifka. “I don’t need to, honest. Now do you want anything else?” says Maurice. “Well now you ask,” says Rifka, “I’d like a sprinkling of nuts over the sauce and to finish it off, a glace cherry on top. But will you remember all of that?” “Yes, dear, stop nagging,” says Maurice and leaves to get the order. 50 minutes later Maurice comes back with a parcel. He goes straight to Rifka and proudly announces, “Darling, here’s the fried fish you asked for!” Rifka looks in the parcel, then at him and says, “I knew you would forget something. So where are the chips?

Sign at restaurant reads: Eat here diet home.

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and _talk_ to me." He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no! My wife's dinner party!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he _dropped_ the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: "Come on guys, we're almost there!"?