THERE WAS THIS FLY THAT WAS HOVERING OVER A LAKE, A FISH SEEN THIS FLY AND SAID "YOU KNOW IF THAT FLY WOULD JUST DROP 6 MORE INCHES I COULD GET THAT FLY" IN THE WOODS NEARBY A BEAR SEEN WHAT WAS GOING ON AND HE SAID "YOU KNOW IF THAT FLY WOULD JUST DROP 6 MORE INCHES THAT FISH COULD GET THAT FLY, AND I COULD GET THAT FISH" IN THE SAME WOODS THERE WAS A HUNTER SITTING ON A LOG EATING HIS SANDWICH, AND HE SEEN WHAT WAS GOING ON, AND HE SAID "YOU KNOW IF THAT FLY WOULD JUST DROP 6 MORE INCHES, THAT FISH COULD GET THAT FLY, THAT BEAR COULD GET THAT FISH, AND I COULD GET THAT BEAR" PEEKING FROM BEHIND A TREE WAS THIS MOUSE, AND IT SEEN WHAT WAS GOING ON, AND THE MOUSE SAID "YOU KNOW IF THAT FLY WOULD JUST DROP 6 MORE INCHES THAT FISH COULD GET THAT FLY, THAT BEAR COUD GET THAT FISH, THAT HUNTER COULD GET THAT BEAR, AND I COULD GET THAT SANDWICH" SNEAKING UP THRU THE GRASS WAS A CAT, AND IT SEEN WHAT WAS GOING ON, AND THE CAT SAID "YOU KNOW IF THAT FLY WOULD JUST DROP 6 MORE INCHES THAT FISH COULD GET THAT FLY, THAT BEAR COULD GET THAT FISH, THAT HUNTER COULD GET THAT BEAR, THAT MOUSE COULD GET THE SANDWICH, AND I COULD GET THAT MOUSE" ALL OF A SUDDEN THAT FLY DROPPED 6 INCHES AND "BAM" EVERYTHING HAPPENED AT ONCE, JUST AS PLANNED, EXCEPT WHEN THE CAT WENT TO POUNCE ON THE MOUSE IT WAS RUNNING SO FAST THAT IT OVER SHOT THE LOG, AND WOULD UP IN THE LAKE. THE MORAL OF THIS STORY IS:? EVERY TIME A FLY DROPS SIX INCHES A PUSSY GETS WET.

If you lived as a child in the 40's, 50's, 60's or 70's how did you survive? Looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long as we have... As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat. Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors! We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times we learned to solve the problem. We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. No cell phones. Unthinkable. We played dodgeball and sometimes the ball would really hurt. We got cut and broke bones and broke teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame, but us. Remember accidents? We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it. We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugar soda but we were never overweight... we were always outside playing. We shared one grape soda with four friends, from one bottle and no one died from this. We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, video games at all, 99 channels on cable,video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, Personal Computers, Internet chat rooms ... we had friends. We went outside and found them. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rung the bell or just walked in and talked to them. Imagine such a thing. Without asking a parent! By ourselves! Out there in the cold cruel world! Without a guardian. How did we do it? We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever. Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't, had to learn to deal with disappointment... Some students weren't as smart as others so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade... Horrors! Tests were not adjusted for any reason. Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. No one to hide behind. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law, imagine that! This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors ever. The past 50 years has been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. And you're one of them. Congratulations!

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning and the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think honey, we`ve been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied. "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here as naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we?" Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn`t be surprised," replied Gramps, "One`s in your coffee and the other one`s in your oatmeal."

Chuck Norris can have his cake and eat it too.

Guy: I hope I don't get a cake on my birthday. Girl: Why? Guy: Because I wouldn't be able to blow the candles out. Girl: Why? Guy: Because you just took my breath away!

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage." His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?" "Oh yes, very much," he said," but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them." "No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible,and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution. The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom." Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful." "Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning." "No, you don't understand,. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me." Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth." "I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked. "Not a word," her mother affirmed. "Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought. The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?" "Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"

There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Fast Food Barbie ...also known as McBarbie...you want fries with that?

Chuch Norris eats one sided pancakes for breakfast.

Marge: "Homer, you never listen to anything I say " Homer: "Thank you. I would like an omelet."

If Microsoft operated Restaurants Patron: Waiter! Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem? Patron: There's a fly in my soup! Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time. Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using? Patron: A SOUP bowl! Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup? Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day! Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Ministerial CandidatesThe following is a confidential report on several candidates being considered for a ministry position.ADAMGood man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how he and his wife enjoy walking nude in the woods.JESUSSeldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he`s single. Has a messiah complex.NOAHProne to unrealistic building projects.ABRAHAMThough the reference reported wife swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man`s wife, but did offer to share his own wife.JOSEPHA big thinker but a braggart. Believes in dream interpreting, and has a prison record. Had been accused of adultery.MOSESA modest and meek man but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly.JOBComplains a lot.DAVIDThe most promising leader of all until we discovered his affair with his neighbour`s wife. His kids are out of control. Worse yet, he`s a proponent of instrumental music in worship.SOLOMONGreat preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives. Good with building projects though. Rather extravagant.ELIJAHProne to depression. Collapses under pressure. Spends too much time in wilderness. Loner. No wife that we know of.SAMSONHair is too long.JONAHRefused God`s call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. Known to pout when things don`t go his way. We hung up.MELCHIZEDEKGreat credentials at current work place, but where does this guy come from? No information on his resume about former work records. Every line about parents was left blank and he refused to supply a birth date.JOHNSays he`s a Baptist but definitely doesn`t dress like one. Has slept outdoors for months on end. Has a weird diet. Provokes denominational leaders. Is too social and political minded. Offends politicians and isknown to lose his head on occasion.PETERToo blue collar. Has a bad temper. Has even been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon. Probably speaks in tongues. Claims to have visions.PAULPowerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night. Controversial on women`s issues. Admits to speaking in tongues. Has recommended young men to drink wine. Little chance that he will ever marry.TIMOTHYToo young.METHUSELAHToo old. WAY too old.JUDASHis references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative and pragmatic. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We`re inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.

On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife sat down in the den with her favorite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself."How romantic!" she thought.Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be served. She tiptoed to the kitchen and found it in a colossal mess.Her harried husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway. "Almost ready!" he vowed. "Sorry it took me so long -- I had to refill the pepper shaker.""Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?""More`n an hour, I reckon. Wasn`t easy stuffin` it through those dumb little holes."

Q: How many men does it take to make popcorn?A: Four, one to hold the pot, and three to act macho and shake the stove.Q: How do you save a man from drowning?A: Take your foot off of his head.Q: How are men like parking spaces?A: The good ones are always taken and all that is left are handicapped.

Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday, and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything. Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to two separate classrooms to take the exam. Each boy just shrugged and went to the two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the first question. "For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom." At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease. Then, the test continued. "For 95 points, tell me which tire it was"...

What does a squid sheriff form? An octoposse!

A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak he'd eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if was really as large and delicious as he was making it out to be. The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious pieces of gigantic steaks. To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they'd ever seen. "Now see here," the very embarrassed guy said to the waiter. "Yesterday when I came down here you served me a BIG, juicy, steak. Today, though, when I have my friends invited, you serve small miniature steaks! What is the meaning of this?" "Yes, sir," replied the waiter, "yesterday you were sitting by the window."

The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food. "Here," he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat for inspection, "do you call that pig?" "Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked sweetly.

Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future? A: He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one.

Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems," Linda told her friend. That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist," said Linda. "Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!" responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?" Several weeks passed and they met met for lunch again. "So, how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?" "Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!" With that endorsement, Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said. But doctor," Mary complained, "You did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?" "Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios..."

"Well OK here's the grand tour." the Matr'D continued, "Over here we have an all night casino where you always win. Over there is the hotel where you will be spending your eternity, furnished with all the luxuries you can possibly dream of. And in the back there is an all night restaurant filled with all the most beautiful women you can imagine and are ready to do your every bidding and of course the food is great also."