Q: Why does Ms. Mushroom go out with Mr. Mushroom? A: Because he is a fungi .

In all their months of marriage not once did he charter a jet to get her peanut butter sandwiches or fly a mime troupe in from France like Poppa did for Momma.

You find yourself listening to talk radio. You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears. The pattern on your shorts and couch match. You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit. You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend. You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath. You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it. You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day. When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate. When jogging is something you do to your memory. Getting a little action means your prune juice is working. All the cars behind you flash their headlights. You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation. You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes. You actually ASK for your father's advice. You don't know how to operate a fax machine. When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.

Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable beer in the local tavern when they saw their minister drive by and take a good long look at their pickup trucks parked outside. One deacon ducked down and said, "I hope the reverend didn't see us or recognize my pickup." The other replied indifferently, "What difference does it make? God knows we're in here... and he's the only one who counts." The first deacon answered, "Yeah, but God won't tell my wife."

A man goes into a fish n chip shop with a salmon under his arm. He asks `Do you sell fish cakes here?` `No` was the reply. `Shame, it`s his birthday.

Retirement activities Arnold is doing some shopping at Brent Cross Shopping Centre when he meets Lionel. They haven’t seen each other for many years. "So what are you doing with yourself these days, Lionel?" asks Arnold. "Well," replies Lionel, "I used to work for Rothschilds Bank but I retired last year." "Lucky old you," says Arnold, "so what do you do with yourself all day?" "I get up late each morning," replies Lionel, "have my breakfast and then lie down on my veranda and relax. At midday, I go inside for some lunch. Then I go outside and lie on my veranda again. At the end of the day, I have dinner and drink only the finest of wines. Then I light up a good cigar. Later on, I go lie on my veranda again." "Wow," says Arnold, "that sounds fantastic to me. I envy you. Please God I should make enough money to retire soon." When Arnold gets home, he tells his wife Naomi all about his conversation with Lionel. After hearing Arnold’s story, Naomi asks, "Did he tell you his wife`s name?" "I`m not sure," replies Arnold, "but I think it`s Veranda."

Scientist revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100 percent of them gained weight, talked incessantly without making sense, and couldn`t drive. "No further testing is planned.

Yo momma is so greasy that I buttered my popcorn with her leg hairs.

A guy is going on an ocean cruise and he tells his doctor that he's worried about getting seasick. The doctor suggests, ''Eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.'' The guy replies, ''Will that keep me from getting sick, Doc?'' The doctor says, "No, but it'll look really pretty in the water.''.

"What's the matter with your dinner?" "Can you describe it for me please in case I need to tell my doctor later what I've eaten!"

A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man. The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this stuff?"

Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat? Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals! Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question? Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.

There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed." The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye-dog." The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?" He answers, "Yes, they're using them now; they're very good and protect me from robbers, too." The man at the door says, "Come on in." The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"

A little change On his way back from work one evening, Benny gets hit by a car as he crosses Threadneedle Street and is knocked unconscious. To the bystanders, he looks in a bad way. A Priest happens to be passing and not knowing Benny’s religion, administers last rites. But immediately, Benny`s eyes open and he’s quickly fully awake. "What were you saying to me?" asks Benny. The Priest tells him about the last rites. "I suppose a little bit of a different religion won’t hurt," says Benny, "thanks." Benny can’t wait to tell his family about his experience. When he gets home, he says to his wife, "Yetta, you won`t believe what’s just happened to me." But she tells him, "Later, Benny, later. I don`t have time. I’m late for my supervision meeting. I’ve left your dinner in the oven. See you later." So Benny goes up to his daughter’s room and says, "Leah, you won`t believe what’s just happened to me." But she says, "Sorry, Dad, I’m on the phone planning my weekend. Could you please come back later, and close the door behind you, will you." He then goes to look for his son who he finds driving the car out the garage. "Maurice, you won`t believe what’s just happened to me." But his son says, "Dad, I’m late for a date. I need the car and some money. Can you lend me £100 please? I’ll talk to you tomorrow." So Benny goes back into his house, shakes his head and says, "I’ve only been a gentile for two hours and already I hate three Jews."

Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu the waitress comes over and askes Clinton, "Are you ready to order?" Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie." "A quickie?!?" the waitress replies. "Sir, given the current situation of your personal life I don't think that is a good idea. I'll come back when you are ready to order from the menu." She walks away. Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "It's pronounced Quiche."

Bragging A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. "Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "And this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me." "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "And this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man." When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop."

A young couple got married. When the wife prepared to bake a ham to celebrate their first Thanksgiving, she carefully cut off each end before placing it in the pan.Her husband asked her why she did that and she replied, "I don`t know - it`s what my mother always did. But I can ask her."She called Mom, who responded, "I always saw your Grandma do it, so I did the same."They decided to check further, so the young woman called Grandma, who explained, "It was the only way I could get it to fit into my pan."

Computer Ease! The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000: 1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. 2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 4. Press any key except ... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE! 5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test. 6. Close your eyes and press escape three times. 7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. 8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? 9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? " 10. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off." 11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN." 12. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding. 13. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key. 14. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Reboot Washington D. C? 15. File not found. Should I fake it? 16. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? 17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A: 32CF: Incompetent User. 18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? 19. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. 20. User Error: Replace user. 21. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? " 22. Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due... 23. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security? 24. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

A family of tortoises went into a cafe for some ice cream. They sat down and were about to start when father tortoise said , "I think its going to rain, Junior, will you pop home and fetch my umbrella?"So off went Junior for father's umbrella,but three days later he still hadn't returned. " I think , dear," said mother tortoise to father tortoise,"that we had better eat Juniors ice cream before it melts." And a voice from the door said,"If you do that I won't go."

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire. Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper." Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?"