Chuck Norris' dinner guests often throw up in their mouths, to savor his fine cooking all over again.

A man walks into the Doctors with an apple in one ear, a banana in the other ear and grapes up his nose. He says, "Doctor, what's happening to me?" The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly.

What cake wanted to rule the world? Attila the Bun.

"He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife. " "The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't." "Time, we know, is relative. You can travel light years through the stars and back, and if you do it at the speed of light then, when you return, you may have aged mere seconds while your twin brother or sister will have aged twenty, thirty, forty or however many years it is, depending on how far you traveled. This will come to you as a profound shock, particularly if you didn't know you had a twin brother or sister." " study was a total mess, like the results of an explosion in a public library." "There is a theory which states that if anyone discovers exactly what the Universe if for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another which states that this has already happened." "A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools." "For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen." "Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so." "I don't believe it. Prove it to me and I still won't believe it." "If human beings don't keep exercising their lips, he thought, their mouths probably seize up. After a few months' consideration and observation he abandoned this theory in favor of a new one. If they don't keep on exercising their lips, he thought, their brains start working." "Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so." "You live and learn. At any rate, you live." "The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry and Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why and Where phases. For instance, the first phase is characterized by the question, 'How can we eat?' The second by the question, 'Why do we eat?' And the third by the question, 'Where shall we do lunch?'"

Q: What do blondes and beer bottles have in common? A: Their both empty from the neck up.

Facts of life Benny was fed up with being bossed around by his wife Leah so he went to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist told him that he was too much of a mild-mannered man and needed to build up his self-esteem. So he lent Benny a book on assertiveness. Benny started to read the book on the train and by the time he got home, he had finished the book. Benny strode manfully into the house, walked over to Leah, pointed his finger at her and said, "From now onwards you must get it into your head that I and not you make all the decisions in this house. Tonight, I want you to prepare me my favourite meal and I expect a special mouth-watering dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you`re going to run me a hot bath so I can relax. And when I step out of the bath, guess who`s going to dress me and comb my hair?" "Abrahamson, the funeral director, that’s who." replied Leah.

Did you hear about the new shark food restaurant called Jaws? It costs an arm and a leg to eat there!

Ok, I'm going to get a lot of hate mail for this one... What's the definition of the perfect woman? She's three feet tall, has a round hole for a mouth, and her head is flat so you can put a can on it. The sports model has pull back ears and her teeth fold in. The economy model fucks all night and at midnight turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack.

The promise Moishe and Betty were sitting in a romantic restaurant in Soho. Moishe says, “Betty, I’m going to make you the happiest woman in the world.” Betty replies, “I’ll miss you.

I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly. At the window, there was a delay. Finally, the clerk came to the window looking frustrated, and announced, "I'm having a problem. The ice keeps melting."

Yo momma so fat that she sweats more than a dog in a Chinese restaurant.

Chuck Norris doesn't see the glass as half-full or half-empty... he simply kills the asshole who didn't pour him a full beer.

You might be a Redneck if your hunting dog fetches more beer than birds.

Chuck Norris walked in a Chinese restaurant and asked for Chicken Parmesan with Bruschetta bread...and got it.

Q: How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? A: Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

You think John the Baptist started the SBC. You think God's presence is strongest on the back three pews. You think "Amazing Grace" is the national anthem. You judge the quality of the sermon by the amount of sweat worked up by the preacher. Your definition of fellowship has something to do with food. You ever wondered when Lottie Moon and Annie Armstrong would get paid off. You honestly believe that the Apostle Paul spoke King James English. You think worship music has to be loud. You think Jesus actually used Welch's grape juice and saltine crackers. You judge the quality of a service by its length. You ever wake up in the middle of the night craving fried chicken and interpret that feeling as a call to preach. You believe that you are supposed to take a covered dish to heaven. You have never sung the third verse of any hymn. You have never put an IOU in the offering plate. You think someone who says "Amen" while the preacher is preaching might be a Charismatic. You complain that the pastor only works one day and then he works too long. You clapped in church and felt guilty about it all week. You are old enough to get a senior discount at the pharmacy, but not old enough to promote to the Senior Adult Sunday School; you think the only promotion after that is the cemetery. You are upset that Joshua brought down the wall of Jericho and think that the deacons should recommend that the church pay for it to prevent a general ruckus. You are upset that the last hymn in the new hymnal is numbered "666." You happen to know that Lottie Moon is not a member of the Unification Church. You wonder when they are ever going to get that Cooperative Program thing paid for. Original author unknown.

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?" Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together." They hugged and made their peace. A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I?d have to say I would like it infrequently. "The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or two words?"

One of Sigmund Freud's early patients rushed out into an Austrian afternoon on her way to meet her best friend at a coffee house. Over Cappuccino and Viennese pastries, she suddenly burst out crying. Her friend begged her to share what was wrong. "Oh, it's just terrible," she wailed. "Today the doctor told me I'm in love with my father, and. . .and. . .and you know, he's a married man!"

Top Ten Good Things About Being A New York Yankee presented by George Steinbrenner10. "With the player discount, a hot dog at Yankee Stadium is now only $50"9. "Your bobble-head doll is a legal form of identification in New York State"8. "With me there`s very little pressure to win"7. "Hideki Matsui can teach you to sing in Japanese"6. "After every game, Yogi Berra gives you a complimentary foot massage"5. "Our spring training facility is near a Hooters"4. "Take it from the guy signing the checks -- some of the players do OK for themselves"3. "Pinstripes make your butt look slimmer"2. "You get to meet all of Derek Jeter`s girlfriends"1. "You think this A-Rod deal is good? We`re about to sign TY Cobb"