Thanks for nothing One morning, Shlomo and Sadie decided to go out for breakfast. The waitress at The Almond Tree told them that the special that morning was two eggs, tomatoes, mushrooms, hash browns and toast for £3.99. "That sounds good," said Sadie, "but I don`t want the eggs." "OK," said the waitress, but I will then have to charge you £4.50." "Why," asked Shlomo, "it doesn’t make sense. "Because you will then in effect be ordering a la carte," the waitress replied. "Do you mean I`ll have to pay for not taking the eggs?" Sadie asked. "Yes, " replied the waitress. "OK then, I`ll take the special," says Sadie. "How do you want your eggs done?" asked the waitress. "Raw and in the shell," Sadie replied. At the end of the meal, Sadie took the two eggs home.

What musical instrument goes with cheese? Picklelo.

Immodest Proposal #1: Daylight Savings Time Reform Richard S. Holmes, RICH@suhep.phy.syr.edu It happens every spring: crocuses, baseball , and the switch to Daylight Savings Time . Coming off DST is not hard. In the Fall, we set our clocks back one hour. We all get an extra hour to sleep, and those who forget find themselves at church, or the airport, or wherever an hour early. Embarassing, but not catastrophic. But in the Spring we set the clocks forward, and the trouble begins. We lose an hour of sleep. Forgetful people miss Mass, planes, breakfast, and the big game on TV. Some are thrown into disarray for up to a full week. Annual losses due to DST confusion have been estimated at over a million dollars. I myself have missed a flight to Washington and a showing of The Seven Samurai because of DST. There is no need for such tragic waste. We can -- we should and must -- urge our lawmakers to reform Daylight Savings Time as follows: Setting clocks back is easy; setting them forward is difficult. Therefore, let us keep the fall ritual as it is. However, one Sunday each Spring, let us set our clocks not one hour forward, but TWENTY-THREE HOURS BACKWARD. Think of all the advantages. We will not lose an hour of sleep; we will gain a day of rest. It will be Saturday all over again. You will never again miss Confession, or an airplane, or the Redskins game. Naturally, if this were the whole plan, our calendars would fall behind one day in each year. However, the second part of the Revised DST Plan deals with this. Every four years, instead of adding a day, let us SUBTRACT THREE DAYS. Furthermore, let these be Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, which according to recent polls are the least popular days. If done in February, which seems reasonable considering what a miserable month it is, this would have the beneficial side effect of shortening the excruciating presidential primary season by an effective four days. The advantages of this plan are clear. Let us waste no time. With a determine d effort we can have Reformed Daylight Savings Time by Spring of next year. Write your congressperson today!

What’s the time, than? Yitzhak had just moved into a new flat in Hendon and was out celebrating with his friend Benny. At 2am, he invited Benny back to his flat where they continued to celebrate. Then Benny said, "Before I go, why not show me around?" So Yitzhak proudly showed Benny his flat and all the high tech it contained. Then he took Benny into his bedroom where his friend couldn’t help but notice a very large brass gong and hammer on the chest of drawers. "Is that a dinner gong?" asked Benny. "It`s not really a gong, Benny, it’s more like a talking clock," Yitzhak replied. "A talking clock? Are you serious?" said Benny. "Of course," replied Yitzhak. "So how does it work?" said Benny. "Watch this," replied Yitzhak, as he picked up the hammer and gave the gong an ear shattering pounding. They stood looking at each other for a moment when suddenly, someone in the flat next door screamed, "Stop that, you inconsiderate oaf. It`s quarter to three in the morning."

The City Health Inspector walks into a new restaurant unannounced and takes a seat to where he can see the kitchen. While he is sitting there, an order goes back for a pizza. The chef appears and the Health Inspector nearly chokes when he see that he is not wearing a shirt. The chef then proceeded to grab a lump of pizza dough and press it out flat on his bare chest. Appalled, the Health Inspector had barely finished writing up this infraction when an order came back for a hamburger. The cook proceeded to grab a handful of ground meat and pressed it into a perfect patty in his armpit. Shocked and bewildered, the Health Inspector called for the manager and explained the gravity of the deplorable conditions he had seen. "That's nothing," said the manager, "you should come back at five in the morning when he makes the donuts!"

Bring a Yoo-Hoo chocolate milk drink to the shower with you. Complain about a stomach ache, then moan "Ohhhh, um, uh-oh," and squirt the Yoo-Hoo down the drain "ditch" for all to see.

Why won't anyone eat the dogs birthday cake? Because he always slobbers out the candles!

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed." "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion."

Where do pirates drink their beer? In schooners.

Bruise Lee: inept martial-arts student Merlyn Streep: professional magician Sean Cannery: manager, fish-packing plant Splint Eastwood: respected osteopath Bette Fidler: skilled symphony musician Marlon Brandy: maker of fine liqueurs Jackie Masonry: journeyman bricklayer Draw Barrymore: portrait artist Leanardo de Cappuccino: founder, coffee-shop chain.

Men are like coffee. The best ones are rich, hot and can keep you up all night.

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, Now, there`s the biggest horse`s ass I`ve ever seen. A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. She`s a horse`s ass too, said the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. Damn it! the man said, climbing back up to the bar. This must be Bush country! Nope, the bartender replied. Horse country!

Herd of Buffalo; A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Dad to get up at 2 am also. Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside. Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster. Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots. Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him. Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right. Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid. Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say. Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it. Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own. Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms. Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it. Show off: A child who is more talented than yours. Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it. Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything. Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children. Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies. Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises. Verbal: Able to whine in words Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

A well dressed gentlemen enters the bar of a five star restaurant, sits at the bar and orders four very expensive drinks. The bartender serves them on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the patron. The man then consumes all four drinks in a matter of seconds. The bartender comments, "Wow, you sure must have a problem." "If you had what I had," the man replies, "you'd drink them fast, too." Leaning over, the sympathetic bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Fifty cents," the man answers.

Bill and Steve are enjoying a beer and discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times," Bill says. "Thought?" Steve asks. "What do you mean?" "Three years ago, I cared very deeply for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me," Bill says. "Wasn't that love?" Steve asks. "No, that was obsession," Bill explains. "Then two years ago, I cared very deeply for an attractive woman who didn't understand me." "Wasn't that love?" asks Steve. "No, that was lust," Bill replies. "And just last year, I met a woman while I was on a cruise. She was gorgeous, intelligent, a great conversationalist and had a super sense of humor. Everywhere I followed her on that ship, I would get a very strange sensation in the pit of my stomach." "Well, wasn't that love," asks Steve. "No. That was motion sickness!" Bill replies.

A new diet Issy is on another of his weight reduction diets and goes to see his doctor with a hamishe cucumber up his nose, a bagel shoved in his right ear and a wine glass sticking out of his left ear. Issy says, "Doctor, I`m not feeling very well." The doctor replied, "It’s no wonder - you`re not eating right."

What's red and green and wears boxing gloves? A fruit punch.

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours. 2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here. 3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords. 4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all. 5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing. 6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve. 7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery. 8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it. 9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support from work. We can fix your telephone line from here. 10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors. 11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle. 12. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, be sure to argue. We love a good argument. 13. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us. 14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes. 15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?" The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know... you left your Injun running!"