You've probably heard of "deja vu," the illusion of having previously experienced a situation that is happening now. Here are some related expressions Feel like I've... ...milked this cow before: deja moo ...seen this strange animal before: deja gnu ...smelled this bad odor before: deja phew ...visited this menagerie before: deja zoo ...scared this person away before: deja boo ...read this mystery book before: deja clue ...been in this courtroom before: deja sue ...felt this bad before: deja rue ...felt this sad before: deja blue ...expanded this way before: deja grew ...seen this slime before: deja goo ...learned this stuff before: deja knew ...waited in line before: deja queue ...eaten this dinner before: deja stew ...pursued this person before: deja woo ...forgotten this your name before: deja who ...had this feeling of deja vu before: deja too ...seen these twins before: deja two ...used this beer recipe before: deja brew ...been on this airplane before: deja flew ...came up with this innovation before: deja new ...fed these pigeons before: deja coo ...sketched this portrait before: deja drew ...ended this relationship before: deja through ...felt this ill before: deja flu ...sheared this sheep before: deja ewe ...munched on this gum ball before: deja chew ...sat through this sermon before: deja pew ...played in this wet grass before: deja dew ...admired this scenery before: deja ooo ...lost it under the bed before: deja shoo ...exposed the real facts before: deja true.

Why did the web developer walk out of a restaurant in disgust? The seating was laid out in tables.

Once a person was eating a banana. But a guy went up to him and asked, "Where is Stanley Street? I want to know this because my name is Stanley Cup." So the person guided him to GM Place and said,"Bye!"

A guy walked into a tavern and sat down on a barstool. He ordered a beer and a shot glass of whiskey. The bartender was surprised to see him place the shot glass into the pocket of his overcoat. The man proceeded to drink his beer, then reached into his coat pocket and removed the shot glass, empty. He ordered another beer and shot glass of whiskey, and again placed the shot glass into his coat pocket. Again he removed the glass empty, then ordered another round. Overcome by curiosity, the bartender asked the man why he kept putting the shot glass into his pocket. "Oh," he said, "that's for the Colonel?" "The Colonel? Who's the Colonel?" The man reached into his pocket and removed a little man, about 12 inches high, dressed in the uniform of a British army colonel. He placed the little man on the counter. "Is he real?" asked the bartender. "Sure he's real. Colonel, would you mind walking up and down the bar a little way?" The little colonel marched briskly a few feet up the bar and turned around, then marched back to where the man sat. "That's the most amazing thing I've ever seen! Can he talk too?" "Of course he can talk," said the man. "Colonel, why don't you tell him about the time that you were stationed in Africa and called that witch doctor a liar?"

Woburn: In bars, it is illegal to "walk around" with a beer in your hand.

A farmer, who went to a big city to see the sights, asked the hotel's clerk about the time of meals. "Breakfast is served from 7 to 11, dinner from 12 to 3, and supper from 6 to 8," explained the clerk. "Look here," inquired the farmer in surprise, "when am I going to get time to see the city?"

Top Ten Inspirational Sayings We`d Like to See at the Nurse`s Station 10. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them. 9. If at first you don`t succeed...try management. 8. TEAMWORK means never having to take all the blame yourself. 7. Hang in there...retirement is only 35 years away! 6. Go the extra mile...it makes your supervisor look incompetent. 5. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break. 4. Administration...we waste time so you don`t have to. 3. The beatings will continue until morale improves. 2. A person who smiles in the face of adversity, probably has a scapegoat. 1. Succeed in spite of Administration.

You know you are addicted to coffee if ... You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

Here's a handy guide to getting out those pesky fabric stains: Blood - Spill more blood around area of stain so it won't stand out as much. Ink - Fall to knees and plead, "Why, God, why? Why dost thou test me so?" Grass - Write the name of your liquid detergent on stain. Wash. Hold up to camera, and show off the unbelievable results. Mud - Place large iron-on NASCAR patch over stain. Apply heat for 60 seconds. Tomato Sauce - Take out the mook responsible for your tomato-sauce stain by executing him gangland-style in the back of the head. Capeche? Coffee - Rub cream and sugar into stain. Apply oral suction. Enjoy rich, robust coffee-stain flavor. Wine - Apply mixture of 1/2 rum and 1/2 Coke to self until you no longer care about some little freaking stain. Chewing Gum - Using permanent marker, draw dotted line around stain. Cut carefully on dotted line. Nail Polish - Nail-polish stains are actually quite lovely. Why not leave them in for a pleasing "homecrafted" look? Copyright 1998 Onion, Inc., All rights reserved.

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. --Desperate *************************************** Dear Desperate, Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: "C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME" and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, HappyHour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3. --Tech Support.

No one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket if it is Sunday.

A tourist walked into a fish and chip shop in Ireland. "I'll have fish and chips twice," he orders. "Sure, I heard you the first time," came the reply.

December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Apply gold leaf, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards. December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine. December 3 Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener. December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim. December 5 Grind lenses for new eyeglasses. December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration. December 7 Debug Windows '98 December 10 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth. December 11 Lay Faberge egg. December 12 Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble. December 13 Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts. December 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house. December 15 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall. December 17 Blow glass Christmas tree ornaments. Cut tree in Montana. December 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat. December 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture. December 21 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks. December 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank. December 23 Seed clouds for white Christmas. December 24 Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are. December 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Scent manger with homemade potpourri. December 26 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum. December 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God. December 28 Say it is good. Rest for five minutes. December 29 Dig up sand from quarry and make new chips for my four computers. December 30 Float wicks in 4000 dishes of oil, place on lawn, and spell out Happy New Year as a greeting to my friends on the MIR space station. December 31 New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call one friend in each time zone of the world as the calendar changes. January 1 Stay out of jail.

Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?" After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well the problem is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment." Jack asks sadly, "And that would be?" "Well," the Doctor explains, "What we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis." Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it." Jack went under the knife, and, after a period of recovery and healing, returned to the Doc for his blessing. Following the examination, the Doc pronounced Jack "healed and ready for action". Eager to use his experimentally enhanced equipment, Jack planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town, anticipating a happy conclusion to the evening. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure, Jack placed his napkin on his lap and unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, flipped the napkin on the floor, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his pants! His girlfriend was stunned at first but then, imagining the possibilities, said with a sly smile and a gleam in her eye, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?" Jack groaned, "Probably, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass."

Special offers Sam is hungry and stops off for a bite to eat at Minkys Kosher Salt Beef Bar. When the waiter asks him whether he’d like a drink to start, he orders a Maccabi beer. "A good choice sir, we have a special offer on this beer tonight – it’s only going to cost you 1p." "1p?" exclaims Sam, "that’s really cheap." Then Sam quickly looks through the menu and says, "I’d like a big plate of your best Salt Beef with latkes, haimisher cucumbers and English mustard." "Certainly," replies the barman, "but that’s going to cost you real money." "So how much is real money?" asks Sam. "5p," replies the waiter. "5p?" says Sam, "that’s ridiculous. You’ll loose money on this. I’d like to talk to the owner. Where is he?" "He’s upstairs with my wife," replies the waiter. "What`s he doing upstairs with your wife?" asks Sam. "The same thing as I`m doing to his business," replies the waiter.

Top Ten Things I Have Learned Interning At the LATE SHOW10. "Television is a magical dreamland of paying delivery guys and replacing toner cartridges"9. "Late Show T-shirts are made in a sweatshop under the Ed Sullivan Theater"8. " hours of work go into writing Dave`s so-called `fan mail`"7. " differences allow you to distinguish Dave`s twin poodles, Chablis and Chardonnay"6. "Any idiot can become famous if they own a suit and can read a cue card"5. "New York is a wonderful place to meet hookers"4. " I`m asked, `Have you ever wasted four months of your life?` I`ll be ready with an answer"3. "`t go to Dave`s barber"2. " make Dave`s coffee, add two scoops of French roast for every cup of Dewar`s"1. "My parents lie and say I intern for Leno"

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

What did the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator? "Close the door Can't you see I'm dressing?"