Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.

A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?" She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce." He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

Someone gave Chuck Norris a chocolate cookie once, he roundhouse kicked it, destroying the Nestle Tollhouse factory.

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

Mrs. Caroline Squires of Cincinnati filed for a divorce from her husband in 1949 on grounds of desertion. She testified he'd stepped out "for a beer" on the Fourth of July, 1917, and had never come back.

A bear walks into a bar in Baraboo, Wisconsin and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says," We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Baraboo." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender again tells him," We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Baraboo." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender once again says "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Baraboo." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, and eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Baraboo that are on drugs." The bear says, " I'm not on drugs." The bartender says," Yes you are, that was abarbitchyouate."

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?" "I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?" When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?" "I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews." "Are you sure?" Al asked. "I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere." When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews." "Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews." "Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews."

Nellie, shopping at her local supermarket, selects a quart of milk, a dozen eggs, a pound of bacon and a quart of orange juice. A drunk standing behind her, watches as she places the items in front of the cashier. He says to her..."you must be single." The woman, startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her four items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her items, she says..."well, you're correct, but how on earth did you know that?" The drunk staggers as he puts his beer in front of the same cashier and says..."cause you're ugly!"

Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils. 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do. Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly. 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man. 67.5% of men wear tightie whities . 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations. 13% of us admit to occasionally doing our offspring's homework. 91% of us lie regularly. 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz. 29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store. 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods. 90% believe in divine retribution. 10% believe in the 10 Commandments. 82% believe in an afterlife. 45% believe in ghosts. 13% have spent a night in jail. 29% of us are virgins when we marry. 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't. 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item. Over 50% believe in spanking, but only a child over 2 years old. 35% give to charity at least once a month. How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and church. 7% would murder. 69% eat the cake before the frosting. When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton. 85% of us will eat Spam this year. 70% of us drink orange juice daily. Snickers is the most popular candy. 22% of us skip lunch daily. 9% of us skip breakfast daily. 66% of us eat cereal regularly. 22% of all restaurant meals include french fries. 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds. Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side. 45% use mouthwash every day. 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink. The typical shower is 101 degrees F. Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair. 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery. 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on. 58% of women paint their nails regularly. 62% of us pop our zits. 33% of women lie about their weight. 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost. 57% have had deja vu. 49% believe in ESP. 44% have broken a bone. Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level. 14% have attended a self-help meeting. 15% regularly go to a shrink. 78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home. 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up. 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat. 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet. 23.5% admit they don't always flush. 55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while they're using the toilet. 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host. 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants. 29% of us ignore RSVP. 71.6% of us eavesdrop. 22% are functionally illiterate. The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B. 85% of women wear the wrong bra size. Less than 10% are trilingual. 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR. 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers. 56% of women do the bills in a marriage. 2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up our spouse even for a night for a million bucks. 20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life. 40% of us have had music lessons. 44% reuse tinfoil. 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse. 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch. 53% read their horoscopes regularly. 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary . 59% of us say we're average-looking. 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us. 53% of us would take advice from Ann Landers. 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity. On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year. 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends. 2 out of 5 have married their fir.

Cake=kids food Solid Brick=Chuck Norris food.

You know you are addicted to coffee if ... You chew on other people`s fingernails.

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, " He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a Happy Birthday!

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. ?Mother, where do babies come from? The mother thinks for a few seconds and says,?Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.? The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues,?That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy?s vagina. That?s how you get a baby, honey.? The child seems to comprehend. ?Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy?s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that? ?Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.?

My penis is so big, I have to cook it breakfast in the mornings.

How do you smuggle an elephant across the border? Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him "lunch".

Patron: Hey, there's a fly in my soup! Waiter: Why are you complaining? Isn't it cooked?

A boy and his Chinese family went to the zoo, and they saw two monkeys having sex. The boy asked "What are they doing?" The parents replied "Making a cake." On the way home, they saw two poodles having sex. He asked "What are they doing?" "Making a cake," his parents replied. They all went to bed. In the morning, the boy went to his parents and said "Since you were making a cake last night, I went and licked all the icing off your bed."

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father." The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, "Your Grace." The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence." Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle, "Well?" So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, "Oh my God!"

A mother-in-law sent two ties to her son-in-law. Some weeks later, she was invited for lunch, and so he wore one of them in the hope of pleasing her. The meal was a tense and uncomfortable one, with the Mother-in-law maintaining a stony silence. Finally she spoke. "Alright, what's wrong with the other tie."

One day, at a New York Restaurant, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!" A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened. "Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?" "No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."