MUMMY VAMPIRE: Jimmy, hurry up and drink your soup before it clots.
A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The waiter brings him the sandwich. The panda bear eats it, pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter, and gets up and starts to walk out. The bartender yells for him to stop. The panda bear asks, "What do you want?" The bartender replies, "First you come in here, order food, kill my waiter, then try to go without paying for your food." The panda bear turns around and says, "Hey! I'm a Panda. Look it up!" The bartender goes into the back room and looks up panda bear in the encyclopedia, which read: "Panda: a bear-like marsupial originating in Asian regions. Known largely for it's stark black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
How do you make a cat drink? 1 cat 2 lemons Vodka Mix then serve.
Laws Concerning Food and Drink Household Principles Lamentations of the Father by Ian Frazier Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room. Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein. Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink. But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you eat in the living room. Laws When at Table And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were. Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke. Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away. When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck; for you will be sent away. When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same to you. Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is. And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why. And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why. Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass. Laws Pertaining to Dessert For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert. But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert. But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof. And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert. On Screaming Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you are given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching each other, your voice rises up even t.
Two grapes go on a date. At the end of the date the boy grape took the girl grape home gave her a kiss and told her that it was their only date. She started to cry and when he asked her if she was ok. She said, "No, I'm crushed!"
Why wouldn't the vampire eat his soup? It clotted.
A monastery in the English countryside had fallen on hard times, and decided to establish a business to defray their expenses, such as a bakery or winery. Being English, however, they decided to open a fish-and-chips restaurant. The establishment soon became very popular, attracting people from all over. One city fellow, thinking himself clever, asked one of the brothers standing nearby, "I suppose you're the 'fish friar'?" "No", answered the brother levelly, "I'm the 'chip monk'".
Our lager, which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drunk, , At home as in the tavern. Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillages, As we forgive those who spill against us, and lead us not to incarceration, But deliver us form hangovers, For thine is the beer, The bitter and the lager, Forever and ever, Barmen.
This little grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life.When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men, and she asked him why they were there.Her grandson replied, "On television, they say, `The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!`"
"What does love mean?" These are answers from 4 to 8 year olds.When my grandma got arthritis, she couldn`t bend over and paint her toe nails anymore. So my grandpa does it for her now all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That`s love.Rebecca - age 8When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouths.Billy - age 4Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.Kari - age 5Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your french fries without making them give you any of theirs.Chrissy - age 6Love is what makes you smile when you`re tired.Terri - age 4Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him to make sure the taste is OK.Danny - age 7Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and my daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss.Emily - age 8Love is what`s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.Bobby - age 7If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.Nikki - age 6Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day.Noelle - age 7Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.Tommy - age 6During my piano recital, I was on stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn`t scared anymore.Cindy - age 8My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don`t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.Clare - age 6Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken.Elaine - age 5Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.Chris - age 7Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.Mary Ann - age 4When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.Karen - age 7You really shouldn`t say "I LOVE YOU" unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.Jessica - age 8And the winner was a 4 year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly man who had just lost his wife. When the child saw the man cry, the little boy went over into the man`s yard and climbed on top of the man`s lap and just sat there. When the boy`s mother asked him what he`d said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."
A man was in a hurry to meet his friend down at the nearby lake. On the way down there, he was stopped by a man fully dressed in red. The man pulled over, and the red man asked, "Hi, I'm the red jerk of the highway. Have anything to eat?" The man smiled and handed him a sandwich. He continued down the highway and was yet again pulled over by a man fully dressed in green. He stopped and the guy in green said, "Hi, I'm the green jerk of the highway. Have anything to drink?" Without smiling, the man handed the green guy his coke. He started off again and started to speed down the highway. Yet again he was stopped by a guy fully dressed in blue. Sighing, he pulled over and pulled down his window, leant out and said, "Let me guess. You're the blue jerk of the highway. What do you want?" "Registration and license please" came the reply.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die. "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. "Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly. "If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "He said you're going to die," she replied.
On the way to lunch, a teacher spotted two boys playfully fighting. She asked one of the boys to go to the back of the line and he came back right after. Why aren't you at the end of the line?" asked the teacher. The boy replied," I couldn't, someone was already there."
A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works. Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?" "No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.
Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives. One signs to the other, boy was my wife mad at me last night! She went on and on and wouldn't stop! The other Buddy says when my wife goes off on me I just don't listen. How do you do that? Says the other. It's easy! I turn off the light!
What women want in a relationship: A handsome, loving professional man who will just love them for who they are. What women get: A fat, balding fart machine who stays with them only because no other woman wants him. What men want in a woman: A combination of Carol Brady and Pamela Lee Anderson; Wonderful Mom with big hooters and can suck the chrome off a flag pole. What men get: Someone who immediately begins to gain those 80 extra lbs the moment after she says "I Do", beginning with the wedding cake! What women want in bed: A passionate lover who takes the time to kiss and gently caress, slowly building up to a wonderful joyous experience together. What they get: "Wham-Bam-Thank-You Ma'am!", Belch, Fart, Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz What men expect out of a marriage: 3 loving children who honor their parents. What they get: 3 helions who are a combination of their parents every fault and make their life a living hell. 1st anniversary card from husband to wife: "My sweet loving wife...I hope this first year is a reflection of the next 60 years, you are my heart and soul, I am forever yours." 5th anniversary card: "I love you so much honey...words cannot describe." 10th anniversary card: "Hey, how's it hangin'? Love Ya'!" 15th anniversary card: "Ummmmmmmmm...'sup?" 16th anniversary card from wife to husband: "You are hereby summoned to divorce proceedings..."
Little Jimmy's mother was serving prunes for dessert, but little Jimmy didn't like prunes one little bit! He grumbled and complained and absolutely refused to eat them. Mother was very cross and told Jimmy that God would be very angry if he didn't eat his prunes. Still he wouldn't eat them, so in desperation, mother sent him to his room. Later in the evening a fierce thunderstorm blew up. There was much thunder and lightning. Feeling somewhat sorry for little Jimmy and thinking that he might be afraid of the storm, mother went up to his room. When she opened the door, Jimmy was kneeling looking out the window. Mother heard him say, "Gee whiz, God, all this just for two measly prunes?"
At communion you go back for seconds. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank. Long distance companies don't call you to switch. You give blood everyday.. just for the orange juice. McDonald's is the supplier of all your kitchen condiments. American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!" Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
Food Trivia

The average person eats eight pounds of grapes each year.

Food Joke

{"id":727,"text":"At communion you go back for seconds.\nYou think of a lottery ticket as an investment.\nYou're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.\nLong distance companies don't call you to switch.\nYou give blood everyday.. just for the orange juice.\nMcDonald's is the supplier of all your kitchen condiments.\nAmerican Express calls and says: \"Leave home without it!\"\nYour idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.\nYou've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.","created_at":"2022-09-13 13:00:07","updated_at":"2022-09-13 13:00:07"}

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