Lemon Parmesan Green Beans
Where do birds meet for coffee? In a nest-cafe!
Try and answer each question, the answers are found below. 1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him? 2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be? 3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug? 4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away? 5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday? 6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. ANSWERS: 1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead. 2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry. 3. Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the barrel. You will be able to tell which water came from which jug. 4. The answer is Charcoal. 5. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow! 6. The letter "e", which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph.
Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter."
How do you make a hot dog stand? Steal its chair.
Mary was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework. That, he declared, was woman's work! But one evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers. She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on. It turned out that Charley, her husband, had read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework, in addition to holding down a full-time job. The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her girlfriends at the office. "How did it work out?" they asked. Mary said. "Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed my evening." "But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know. "It didn't work out," Mary said. "Charley was too tired."
If Chuck Norris ever opened a restaurant, the only thing on the menu would be knuckle sandwiches and eye of roundhouse steaks.
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. It's a bad one.Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God! " The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle... My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement,opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."
Why does mama aardvark call her husband a cannibal? Because he ate his ant for dinner!
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Coffee maker [My thanks to Hilary for the following] Maurice and Becky are arguing over who should brew the coffee each morning. Becky says, "As you get up first in the morning, Maurice, you should make it. Then we won`t have to wait too long for our coffee." "But you’re in charge of all the cooking," replies Maurice, "that’s your job, so you should make it. And if I have to wait for my coffee in the morning, well, I don`t mind." "But it says in the bible that the man should make the coffee," says Becky "OK, responds Maurice, "if you can show me where it says that, I’ll never question you again." Next day, Becky borrows a bible from her neighbour and shows Maurice that on the top of several pages it indeed says ‘Hebrews’.
As in many homes on New Year`s Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important - the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game.Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even bought a cold drink for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing."See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn`t miss a thing."
What fish make the best sandwich? A peanut butter and jellyfish.
Question: What is a honeymooner's sandwich? Answer: Lettuce alone.
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?" "Ten," she replied. "What are their names?" he asked. "LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy," she answered. "They're all named LeRoy?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?" "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in." "And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?" "I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered. "But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked. "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner? When the power goes off.
Argument n. -- A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet. Airhead n. -- What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman. Bar-be-que n. -- You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat, and cleaned everything up, but he "made the dinner". Cantaloupe n. -- Gotta get married in a church. Childbirth n. -- You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus...breathe...push..." Clothes dryer n. -- An appliance designed to eat socks. Diet Soda n. -- A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&M's. Eternity n. -- The last two minutes of a football game. Exercise v. -- To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase. Grocery list n. -- What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store. Hair Dresser n. -- Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician". Hardware Store n. -- Similar to a black hole in space: if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon. Lipstick n. -- On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...! Park v./n. -- Before children, a verb meaning "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide. Patience n. -- The most important ingredient for dating, marriage, and children. See also "tranquilizers". Valentine's Day n. -- A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card. Waterproof Mascara n. -- Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it. Author unknown.
There once was an accountant who lived her whole life without ever taking advantage of any of the people she worked for. In fact, she made sure that every job she did resulted in a win-win situation. One day while walking down the street she was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an accountant make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in." said the accountant. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven" "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the accountant in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and the accountant found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow accountants that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. The accountant was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven." So the accountant spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity." The accountant paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the accountant went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the accountant, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled. "That's because yesterday you were a recruit, but today you're staff." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An accountant applies for the position of Chief Financial Officer. There are a number of candidates and he is called in for an interview. They ask him a number of questions and one of the panel suddenly says "What is nine multiplied by four?" He thinks quickly and says "Thirty five." When the interview is over he goes outside, takes out his calculator and finds the correct answer is not thirty five. He thinks "Well, I blew that" and goes home very disappointed. Next day he is rung up and told he has got the job. "Wonderful," he says, "but what about nine multiplied by four? My answer wasn't right" "We know, but of all the candidates you came the closest."
In February 1994 in New Brighton, Minn., a 32-year-old man and his 24-year-old girlfriend were arrested after a food fight in a grocery store. After arguing loudly, the couple began throwing sweet potatoes at each other. Eventually, the man allegedly threw the woman into several vegetable racks, sending the contents spilling to the floor. As both continued to brawl on the floor, she allegedly stuffed lettuce into the man's mouth.
1. Being a parent is like being pecked to death by a duck. 2. Raising teenagers is a lot like nailing Jello to a tree 3. Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch. 4. Your life's "Golden Age" is the period in your life when your kids are to old to require a babysitter and too young to take the car. 5. Shouting at your children to get cooperation is about the same as steering your car using the horn...same results. 6. To be in your children's memories tomorrow one must be in their life today. 7. The best advice regarding raising your children is to really enjoy them while they are still on your side. 8. A home's temperature is best maintained by warm hearts, not cold words or hot heads. 9. "The Joy of Motherhood": What a woman experiences after she puts the last tyke to bed. 10. Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so that he or she can tell when they are REALLY in trouble. 11. Your children may outgrow your lap...but NEVER your heart. 12. God gave you two ears and only one mouth, so that you may listen twice as much as you speak. 13. The only true child experts are those that do not yet have any of their own. 14. Cleaning house with the children at home is a lot like snowblowing during a blizzard. 15. There are only two things that your child is absolutely willing to share: Communicable Diseases and their mother's age. 16. Why is it that we can't get a child to read the Bible at home, but when in prison they will. 17. Remember this? "When you grow up and have children of your own, I hope that they are JUST LIKE YOU!" It worked. 18. How come your Dad never had money for the ice cream man but after a visit with Grandpa your kids "jingle"? 19. True genetics have nothing to do with hair and eye color. It's their occurrence of such things as "Who said life was FAIR", and Because I SAID so!" when you SWORE you'd never use those on your kids. 20. Practice what you preach even covers never letting them see you snag those Ding Dongs for breakfast.