Here's a lame one... What is Homer Simpson's favorite ice cream? Chocolate-chip cookie DOH!

A chicken sandwidch walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don`t serve food here".

Where do you learn to make banana splits? At sundae school.

How did the dog make gold soup? He put in 24 carrots.

Why does a man only get half-hour lunch-breaks? So his boss doesn't have to retrain him.

Q: What do Penguins have for lunch?A: Icebergers.

Signs You Are Getting Old: You find yourself listening to talk radio. You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears. The pattern on your shorts and couch match. You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit. You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend. You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath. You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it. You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day. When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate. When jogging is something you do to your memory. Getting a little action means your prune juice is working. All the cars behind you flash their headlights. You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation. You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes. You actually ASK for your father's advice. You don't know how to operate a fax machine. When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.

A family of tortoises went into a cafe for some ice cream. They sat down and were about to start when Father Tortoise said, "I think it's going to rain. Junior, will you pop home and fetch my umbrella?" So off went junior for Father's umbrella, but three days later he still hadn't returned. "I think, dear," said Mother Tortoise to Father Tortoise, "that we had better eat junior's ice cream before it melts." And a voice from the door said, "If you do that I won't go."

Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says, "I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!" "Oh NO! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive." "I also heard that you've been calling me fat?!?" "Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are." "I've also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!" "Oh NO! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"

Once Chuck Norris chewed up a gold bar and a chocolate bar, then he spit out Mr. T.

How did the dog's owner know his pet was angry about having soap flakes for breakfast? He foamed at the mouth.

What`s the difference between the stay puff marshmallow man and a stay-puff marshmallow? The marshmallow will fit in your vagina.

There were two cannibals who captured a man. They decided it would be fair if they started eating from opposite ends. After a few minutes, the one who started at the head asked the other one, "How's it going down there?" And the other one replies, "I'm having a ball!"

Cleavage: The best popcorn catcher.

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."

Progress Hetty was just about to make herself a cup of coffee when her front doorbell rang. She opened the door and there stood a smartly dressed man. "Good morning, madam," he said, "I’m a Jehovah Witness and …" but before he could continue, Hetty said to him, "I’m just about to make myself some coffee. Why don’t you come in and join me?" Very surprised, he agreed. After coffee, Hetty said, "I’m now going to have to make some lunch for myself so I don’t really have much time at this moment to talk to you. But if you’d like to join me in a bite to eat, we can talk later." He was shocked at this kind offer. But again he agreed. When they had finished eating, Hetty said, "OK, I’m all ears. Why don’t you start at the beginning and tell me all about the Jehovah Witness movement?" He was totally surprised by this and replied, "I can’t tell you anything - I’ve never got this far before."

For all of you Coca Cola drinkers . . .1. In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coke and it will be gone in two days.3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coke into the toilet bowl. Let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean.4. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.5. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.6. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.7. To loosen a rusted bolt: Apply a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.8. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan; wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.9. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.FYI:1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. It`s pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days.2. To carry Coca Cola syrup the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly Corrosive materials.3. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years! Drink up!

Hungry Snake Having arived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing. An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pantleg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...

Q: What's worse than finding a worm in the apple you're eating? A: Finding half a worm.

How do I know that my youth is all spent? Well, my get up and go has got up and went. But in spite of it all I am able to grin when I recall where my get up has been. Old age is golden-so I`ve heard it said- but sometimes I wonder when I get into bed, with my ears in a drawer and my teeth in a cup, my eyes on the table until I wake up. Ere sleep dims my eyes I say to myself, "Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?" And I`m happy to say as I close my door, my friends are the same, perhaps even more. When I was young, my slippers were red, I could pick up my heels right over my head. When I grew older, my slippers were blue, but still I could dance the whole night through. But now I am old, my slippers are black, I walk to the store and puff my way back. The reason I know my youth is all spent, my get up and go has got up and went. But I really don`t mind when I think, with a grin, of all the grand places my get up has been. Since I have retired from life`s competition, I accommodate myself with complete repetition. I get up each morning, and dust off my wits, pick up my paper and read the "obits". If my name is missing, I know I`m not dead, so I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.