Q: How many men does it take to make popcorn?A: Four, one to hold the pot, and three to act macho and shake the stove.Q: How do you save a man from drowning?A: Take your foot off of his head.Q: How are men like parking spaces?A: The good ones are always taken and all that is left are handicapped.

Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday, and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything. Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to two separate classrooms to take the exam. Each boy just shrugged and went to the two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the first question. "For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom." At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease. Then, the test continued. "For 95 points, tell me which tire it was"...

What does a squid sheriff form? An octoposse!

A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak he'd eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if was really as large and delicious as he was making it out to be. The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious pieces of gigantic steaks. To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they'd ever seen. "Now see here," the very embarrassed guy said to the waiter. "Yesterday when I came down here you served me a BIG, juicy, steak. Today, though, when I have my friends invited, you serve small miniature steaks! What is the meaning of this?" "Yes, sir," replied the waiter, "yesterday you were sitting by the window."

The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food. "Here," he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat for inspection, "do you call that pig?" "Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked sweetly.

Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future? A: He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one.

Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems," Linda told her friend. That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist," said Linda. "Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!" responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?" Several weeks passed and they met met for lunch again. "So, how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?" "Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!" With that endorsement, Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said. But doctor," Mary complained, "You did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?" "Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios..."

"Well OK here's the grand tour." the Matr'D continued, "Over here we have an all night casino where you always win. Over there is the hotel where you will be spending your eternity, furnished with all the luxuries you can possibly dream of. And in the back there is an all night restaurant filled with all the most beautiful women you can imagine and are ready to do your every bidding and of course the food is great also."

What soft drink do pigs like best? Root beer.

How can you tell if you have been spending too much time at home on the Internet? Your spouse emails you a message saying dinner is ready and she/he uses the address "Your spouse@home.com."

Are There Jews In China? Yitzhak and Moshe were eating in a Chinese restaurant in London. "Yitzhak," asked Moshe, "Are there any Jews in China?" "I don`t know," Yitzhak replied. "Why don`t you ask the waiter? I`d be surprised if there were no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere." When the waiter came by, Moshe asked, "Are there any Chinese Jews?" "I don`t know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and went back to the kitchen. The waiter returned a few minutes later and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews." "Are you sure?" Moshe asked. "I ask everyone," the waiter replied. "We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews!"

It's funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

We all have one ginger friend that claims to be "strawberry blonde".

Another version of The Good Wife Guide This article (believe it or not) is an actual extract from a Home Economics textbook printed in the early 1960’s. It is absolutely true and it was written in a serious manner – it was not written as a joke. So you women out there, please don’t blame me. In fact I for one am glad things have changed in the 21st century as much as they have! Challenge. If anyone wants to prepare, “The Good Husband Guide” as you think it might have been written in the 1960’s, then send it to me. Have dinner ready. Plan ahead even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return from work. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Prepare yourself. Take 15minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Gather up schoolbooks, toys, papers etc and then run a dust cloth over the tables. During the colder months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you immense personal satisfaction. Make the evening his. Never complain if he goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax. Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquillity. Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange the pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. Once he has had a chance to have his evening meal, clear the dishes and wash up promptly. If your husband should offer to help decline his offers – he may feel obliged to repeat this offer and after a long working day he does not need the extra work. Encourage your husband to pursue his hobbies and interests and be supportive without seeming to encroach. If you have any little hobbies try not to bore him speaking of these, as women’s interests are often rather trivial compared to men’s. at the end of the evening tidy the home ready for the morning and again think ahead to his breakfast needs. Once you have both retired to the bedroom prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom, as he would have to do for his train. However, try to remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face cream or hair rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to a man last thing at night.

Yo momma is so stupid that she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonald's!

I took my two sons, ages seven and five to the playground at our local park. My seven year old was very proud as he was able to read the sign with all the rules to his brother. "Do not jump on the merry-go-round when in motion." "Go down the slide while sitting only." "Only one child on a swing at a time." There were about twenty rules and the boys promised to obey them all, if I would trust them and let them play without Daddy standing by. They said that they were too old to be watched and their friends would tease them calling them babies if Dad stayed. I made them promise to be good and obey the rules, and rejoined my wife preparing our picnic lunch. When it was time to get the children, I decided to watch them at a distance for a while to see how reliable they were in following my instructions. I found that they obeyed most of the printed instructions. That is, all but one. They would get on the tall semicircular slide and go down head first or backward. Angerly, I picked up the children and took them over to the posted regulations and made my seven year old read it aloud again. Then I asked the boys what they had to say for themselves. My five year old answered immediately, "Don't be silly, Dad. No one uses a slide rule anymore!"

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..." The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."

A man eating at restaurant says to his waiter, 'waiter, there's a fly in my soup!' The waiter replies, 'That, sir, is entirely possible, you see our cook used to be a tailor.'.

The American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.The Mexican replied, "Only a little while."The American then asked, "Why didn`t you stay out longer and catch more fish?"The Mexican said, "With this I have more than enough to support my family`s needs."The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life."The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing; and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat: With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor; eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles and eventually New York where you will run your ever-expanding enterprise."The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"To which the American replied, "15 to 20 years.""But what then?" asked the Mexican.The American laughed and said that`s the best part. "When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions.""Millions?...Then what?"The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back."Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies... "You just happened to catch my eye."