When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher. "Pull the pin like a hand grenade," he explained, "then depress the trigger to release the foam." Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin. The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?" In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin -- and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze.

Q: What`s the difference between a man and E.T.?A: E.T. phoned home.Q: How do men get excersize at the beach?A: By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.Q: What`s a man`s idea of helpin with the housework?A: Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.Q: Why are all dumb blond jokes oneliners?A: So men can understand them.Q: How do women define a 50/50 relationship?A: We cook/they eat; We clean/they dirty; We iron/ they wrinkle.Q: What is the difference between government bonds and men?A: Government bonds mature.Q: How are men like noodles?A: They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.Q: Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?A: When it`s time to go back to his childhood, he`s already there.Q: Why is it good that there are female astronauts?A: When the crew gets lost in space at least the women will ask for directions.Q: What does a man consider to be a seven course meal?A: A hot dog and a six pack.Q: What`s the best way to force a man to do sit ups?A: Put the remote control between his toes.

I don’t have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.

Well-known lodging chain announced it was creating a line of nofrills hotels. The only way you'll see a chocolate on the pillow now is if the last guest was eating an M&M.

You know you are addicted to coffee if ... You don`t even wait for the water to boil anymore.

Who Knew? 1. To remove a bandage painlessly, Saturate the bandage with vodka. The stuff dissolves adhesive. 2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, Fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, Let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew. 3. To clean your eyeglasses, Simply wipe the lenses with a soft, Clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs. 4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka And letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting. 5. Spray vodka on wine stains, Scrub with a brush, and then blot dry. 6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face. As an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores. 7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, And stimulates the growth of healthy hair. 8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle with vodka And spray bees or wasps to kill them. 9 Pour one-half cup vodka And one-half cup water into a Ziploc freezer bag And freeze for a slushy, refreshing ice pack for aches, Pain or black eyes. 10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar With freshly packed lavender flowers, Fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly And set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, Then apply the tincture to aches and pains. 11. To relieve a fever, use a wash cloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment. 12. To cure foot odor, Wash your feet with vodka. 13 Vodka will disinfect And alleviate a jellyfish sting. 14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy To remove the urushiol oil from your skin. 15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain. ...And silly me! I've only been drinking the stuff.

Where do young cows eat lunch? In the calf-ateria.

What's a man's idea of a balanced diet? Beer in each hand!

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a banana?A: | elephant | * | banana | * sin.

The dream. Moshe was taking to his psychiatrist. "I had a weird dream recently," he says. "I saw my mother but then I noticed she had your face. I found this so worrying that I immediately awoke and couldn`t get back to sleep. I just stayed there thinking about it until 7am. I got up, made myself a slice of toast and some coffee and came straight here. Can you please help me explain the meaning of my dream?" The psychiatrist kept silent for some time, then said, "One slice of toast and coffee? Do you call that a breakfast?"

If there were no food left, what could people do? Country people could eat their forest preserves and city people could have their traffic jams.

A man calls room service at his hotel. "I want a breakfast of two eggs burned black around the edges, undercooked bacon, weak coffee,watery orange juice and cold, hard, unbuttered toast", asks the man. "Why the hell would you want a terrible breakfast like that?", asks the room service guy. "I'm homesick", replies the man.

Not that my wife's the jealous type or anything, but one day at work, I had taken this temp who was filling in for my secretary to lunch in gratitude for an outstanding job on a very difficult project. As luck would have it, there was my wife waiting in the office for my return. The temp, who was truly a ravishing beauty said, "Oh, Mrs. Moore, I'm so happy to meet you. I'm your husband's new secretary." Within a single heart beat my wife quietly intoned, "OH? Really? Were you?"

The cannibal king was having dinner when a servant came running in. "Your Majesty," he said, "the slaves are revolting!" "You don't have to tell me," said the king. "I'm trying to eat them. "Where did we get these slaves anyway?" "From the country next door," replied the servant. "We must get a new butcher," said the king. "Bring me Delia Smith." "We can't, Your Majesty, she's still cooking for you." "Well, bring her to me once she's crispy enough," said the king.

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for some food. She got out her purse and took ten dollars out and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of food?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told her. "Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" she asked. "No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this in a beauty salon instead of food?" she asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "Ihaven't had my hair done in 20 years!" "Well," she said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight." The homeless woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The woman says, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."

What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Pee Wee Herman in their holding cell at the jail? "Stop playing with my lunch."

A fire broke out in a six story apartment building last week in a near by town. A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette escaped the flames by climbing up onto the roof. When the fire department arrived they got out a blanket held it up and the Chief called out to the brunette to jump into the blanket. The brunette jumped. As she was falling 'swoosh' the firefighters pulled the blanket away and she landed on the street like a brick. The firefighters then held the blanket back up and the Chief told the redhead to jump. "No way! I saw what you did to my friend." exclaimed the redhead. "I am sorry" said the Chief, "My wife was a brunette and she divorced me. I just don't like brunettes. We have no problems with redheads...jump it's your only chance." So the redhead jumped. On the way down 'swoosh' the firefighters pulled the blanket away and she hit the pavement like a tomato!" The firefighters again held up the blanket and the Chief told the blonde to jump. The fire was getting worse and her only chance of survival was to jump. "No I am not jumping. I saw what you did to my two friends." "I'm sorry" said the Chief, "I explained what happened to the brunette and when the redhead jumped we were a little distracted. It will not happen again, just jump!" The blonde thought for a moment. "OK I'll jump - but first I want you to lay the blanket on the ground, back away, and then I'll jump into it."

Hello? Fred's Restaurant. Hello! I'd like to know, do you serve crabs? We serve anyone, sir! Come on in!

What did they call it when NHL officials refused to allow a hamburger to play hockey in the league? Rink injustice!

A young man took a girl out to dinner and a show. They got along very well, and when he asked her if she would like to come up to his apartment for a drink she agreed. After they were at the apartment a while, he asked if he could give her an old fashioned kiss. Her reply was "At a time like this you want me to change positions?"