Nutella Swirled Pumpkin Bars
There is a new virus going around, called "work." If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, Internet or simply handed to you by a colleague ... DO NOT OPEN IT. This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly. If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "I've had enough... I'm off to the pub." The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain. If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer . A.
Q: What do ducks have for lunch? A: Soup and quackers!
A couple celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary. When they were asked what their secret was to a long lasting marriage they said: "We take the time to go out to a restaurant two times a week. A candlelight dinner, soft music and a slow walk home. She goes on Tuesdays, and I go on Fridays."
After a long, bumpy flight, our passengers were glad to finally land.They disembarked, and the other attendants and I checked for items left behind.In a seat pocket, I found a bag of home-made cookies with a note saying, "Much love, Mom."Quickly, I gave the bag to our gate agent in hopes it would be reunited with its owner.A few minutes later, an announcement came over the public-address system in the concourse: "Would the passenger who lost his cookies on Flight 502, please return to the gate?"
A Jamaican man bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, announcing that his wife had just given birth to "a typical Jamaican baby boy weighing 20 pounds." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" were heard. A woman fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returned to the bar. The bartender said, "Say, you're the father of the Jamaican baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answered, "Fifteen pounds." The bartender was puzzled. "Why? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth?" The Jamaican father took a slow sip from his Red Stripe beer, wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and said, "Had him circumcised."
Share and share alike Moishe was eating in Solly’s restaurant one day when he saw an elderly couple on another table. They had ordered one plate of salt beef and chips, one drink and one extra glass. As he watched, the old man carefully divided the salt beef into 2 portions, then counted the chips and divided them equally as well. Then he poured half the drink into the extra glass and put it in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat and his wife just sat there watching, her hands folded in her lap. Moishe had to ask them whether they would accept him buying them an extra meal so that they didn’t have to split theirs. The old man said, “Oh, no, that’s very kind. We’ve been married 50 years now, and everything has always been and will always be shared 50/50.” Moishe then asks the old lady why she wasn’t eating. She replied, “it’s his turn with the teeth.
We keep getting all these, "rules from the woman's side", emails so we figured it was time for a "rules from the man's side" email. These are our rules! Learn them, memorize them and use them! Please note these are all numbered "1" for a reason! 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down. 1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it. 1. Saturday = Sports 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. We don't remember dates. Mark them on a calendar and remind us frequently. 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. Check your oil! Please. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer that question anymore. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 1. Let us look. It doesn't hurt anyone, to look. And for us, its genetic. 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colours. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will believe you. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take any quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz. 1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
What is a goal keepers favourite snack? Beans on post!
From the deepest, darkest jungles of deepest, darkest Africa comes the cry of the Sandwich bird "Eat me, Eat me".
Girl: Did you like that cake, Mrs Jones? Mrs Jones: Yes, very much. Girl: That's funny. My mom said you didn't have any taste.
Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup? It's fly soup sir!
Q: What did one strawberry say to another strawberry? A: If you weren't so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam!
Chuck Norris had three kegs of beer at a bar one night and proceeded to his car which started to drive him home. He was pulled over by a Policeman for a random breath test, the policeman then pulled the Breathalyzer out... out of sheer terror the device self-destructed and the policeman was never seen again.
A few seconds of thought - 1 Esther, 85 years old, is walking around the lounge in Becky’s Nursing Home in Hendon. As she walks past each male resident, she flips up the hem of her nightgown and says, "Supersex!" As she reaches wheelchair-bound Cyril, she flips up her gown at him and says, "Supersex!" Cyril sits silently for a few seconds and then says, "I`ll take the soup, please."
Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role. Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister, "Well, you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel."
Two cannibals in the jungle are standing over a fire with a large boiling pot, stirring the soup with wooden spoons. One cannibal says to the other, "I hate my mother in law, I really don't like her at all, she really makes me sick". The other cannibal says "So just eat the noodles".
Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's work! But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished--something's up. It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to be romantic. The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening." "But what about afterward?" asked her friends. "Oh, that was perfect too. Charley was too tired!"
Is lunch the favorite subject of piglets? No, it's theatre. They love to ham It up and hog all the attention.
Three tomatoes were walking down the street, a mother, father, and son. The son was far behind so the father turned and smacked down and said KETCHUP!
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense. Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, and that life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies and reliable parenting strategies . His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition. Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student, but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, then she spilled a bit in her lap and was awarded a huge financial settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers: My Rights and Ima Whiner. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.