I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn`t have to wait for it to age.

My heroic Zeida My Zaida was very religious. He prayed 3 times a day and laid tefillin every morning. One night, he heard a noise downstairs and having no fear for his safety went downstairs to see what it was. It was a burglar and he was putting my Zaida’s silver cutlery, wine goblets and candlesticks into a bag. This made my Zaida very angry and he shouted at him to stop. He then tried to take the bag away but when he reached for it, the burglar pulled a knife out of the bag and was just about to stab my Zaida when all of a sudden, my Zaida screamed out "nisht mit the milchidic messer" .

Q: Why did the blonde buy a brown cow?A: To get chocolate milk.

The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek god of wine, had thrown a party for a pair of visiting Roman deities -- Ceres, the goddess of agriculture, and Janus, the two- faced god of doors and beginnings. Everyone overdid it, more or less. Ceres at one point was staggering and turning in circles; Janus, equally submerged, was trying to dance with her. Bacchus feared that the pair might fall over, so he went to steady them. ... This marked the first time that a whirled Ceres was held with a double-header.

According to a recent article I just read on nutrition, they said eating right doesn`t have to be complicated. Nutritionists say there is a simple way to tell if you`re eating right. Colors. Fill your plates with bright colors. Greens, reds, yellows. In fact, I did that this morning. I had an entire bowl of M&M`s. It was delicious! I never knew eating right could be so easy.

There are three ladies working together in the same office - a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. After a while, they begin to notice that each day their boss, who is also female, leaves work early. After this pattern continued for a few weeks, one day they decide that as soon as their boss takes off they'll leave right after her; after all, she never comes back or calls so how would she know? So, after their boss takes off they all leave as planned. The brunette was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting her dinner date. The redhead was thrilled to be home early; she did a little gardening and went to bed early. As for the blonde, she was so happy to finally come home early for once. But when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house without saying a word. The next day during their coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again and asked the blonde if she wanted to go with them. "NO WAY!" The blonde exclaimed, "I damn near got caught yesterday!"

Q: What did one plate say to the other plate? A:.

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”.

Yo momma is so fat that her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.

A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?" "Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl." The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten. "Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked. "No, help yourself," replied his neighbor. The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl. The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too."

I want you more than a Hagen-Daas on a hot summer day.

I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you're set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

Interviewer: "Why do you want this job?" Me: "I've just always been very passionate about not starving to death."

Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.

I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.

I want you more then a Hagen-Daas on a hot summer day.

Couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom.

"Could you take a couple steps back. I have a nut allergy."

You must work at subway...cause you`re givin` me a foot long.

I'm guessing I'm not married because I'd take a bullet for a grilled cheese before I'd take one for a girl.