You're like milk, I want to make you a part of my complete breakfast.

What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!

If you enjoy arguing about lunches at 6 AM I can't recommend parenting highly enough.

Me: *sneaks out of the house* *drives to another state* *hides in a cave* *quietly opens a bag of chips* My kids: Can we have some?

Well it took forever but I just paid the pizza guy entirely with the quarters I found behind his ears.

Gurl, you remind me of a box of chocolates.....(Why?) Cause I want to take your top off.

I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.

I would request a last meal of soda and pop rocks so I could die on my own terms.

Anyone can sit here and buy you drinks. I want to buy you dinner!

I've just written a song about tortillas - actually, it's more of a rap.

I know milk does a body good, but damn girl, how much have you been drinking?

Do you sell hot dogs? Because you know how to make a wiener stand.

My diet always starts on a Monday morning and ends at the donuts somebody brings into the office later that morning.

You must be peanut butter because you're making my legs feel like jelly.

People are lot less judgy when you say you ate an 'avocado salad' instead of a bowl of guacamole.

Nutella: A reason to buy bread.

Do people who go to the gym to "feel the burn" know nothing of Mexican food?

If you weigh 99 pounds and eat 1 pound of nachos you will be 1% nachos!

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.