What`s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Deer nuts are under a buck.

Why did the horse stir his cereal with his hoof? Because he wanted to feel his oats!

One doc operated on a person for a hernia. He opened his testis and took the balls out and kept it on the table. At the end of the operation he wanted to put his balls back into the pouch of testis. He searched operation theatre but could not find the balls of the patient. Lastly he told nurse to get two small onions from his lunch box as he cannot keep his testis pouch empty. After that operation he met the same patient in a garden for morning walk. Being a good doc, he asked his patient how he is feeling now. He said "Doc everything is fine, life is very cool except that whenever I scratch my balls, my eyes start watering."

Why I love children Rivkah is trying hard to get the tomato ketchup to come out of the bottle. As she is banging the bottom of the bottle the phone rings, so she asks her 4-year-old Faye to answer it. "Mummy, it`s the rabbi," shouts Faye. But before Rivkah can get to the phone, Faye says to the rabbi, "My mummy can`t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She`s hitting the bottle."

Here`s a recipe to make Mom`s famous brownies!Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr "no, no."Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.Take shortening can away from Jr and clean cupboards.Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.Take shortening can away from Billy again and bathe cat.Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat`s tail.Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.Take telephone away from Jr. and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.Let cat out of refrigerator.Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13 inch pan. Bake 25 minutes.Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy.Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn.Throw cat outside while there`s still time and he`s still able to run away.Frosting--Mix the following in saucepan: 1 cup sugar 1 oz unsweetened chocolate 1/4 cup margarine.Take the %$$&#&% teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far away.Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn`t know Jr had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street.Put Jr. in playpen.Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man`s front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.Tie Billy to clothesline.Remove burned brownies from oven.

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?" Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!'' The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?'' Confused, the bartenders says no. ''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''.

I’m not sure Abe is enjoying his 80th birthday party with family and friends. Even Rabbi Landau is present. Abe is so happy that he decides now is the time to let out his secret and to everybody’s surprise, announces his forthcoming marriage to 50-year-old Hetty. Everyone comes up to wish them Mazeltov - and to exchange all the old jokes "Abe, where will you both live?" "We’ll be looking for a house near a school.” "Abe, did you know that lovemaking is dangerous for the elderly?" "Yes, but I hope Hetty will survive it." Later, Rabbi Landau takes Abe aside and says, "Don’t be offended, but I must ask you a few questions. Do you really love Hetty?" "To tell you the truth, Rabbi, I’m not sure," Abe replies. "Well, is she a good cook? Is her chicken soup special?" asks Rabbi Landau. "I’m not sure, I’ve never seen her in the kitchen, Rabbi," Abe replies. "Is Hetty rich?" asks Rabbi Landau. "I’m not sure about her finances, we’ve never discussed money," replies Abe. "So, she must be ….. good in bed. Is that so?" asks Rabbi Landau, timidly. "I’ve no idea at all Rabbi, how does one tell before marriage?" answers Abe. "But if you don’t know whether you love her, if you’re not sure whether she’s a good cook, if you don’t know whether she’s rich, and if you’ve never made love to her, why on earth do you want to marry her?" asks Rabbi Landau. "She can drive at night," replies Abe.

One evening after dinner, a five-year-old son noticed that his mother had gone out and he asked, "Where did mommy go?"In answer to his questions, he was told him, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party."This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, "What`s a Tupperware party, Dad?"The man had always given my son honest answers, so he figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, son," he said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch ofladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other."He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime.Then he burst into laughter. "Come on, Dad," he said. "What is it really?"

Moshe’s favourite London signs DUE TO PROBLEMS WITH VANDALS, WE ARE ASKING ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THIS CEMETERY TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER THE BARGAIN BASEMENT IS UPSTAIRS (department store) `BORDELLO’ IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE RESTAURANT IN LONDON. EVERYONE WELCOME MACHINES ARE AUTOMATIC, SO REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES GREEN WE REPAIR EVERYTHING. PLEASE KNOCK HARD AS THE BELL DOESN`T WORK WHOEVER TOOK THE LADDER YESTERDAY BRING IT BACK AT ONCE OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN MUMS, WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE YOU EAT (German restaurant) WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING . SO WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A SPECIAL BARGAIN? TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS SIGN WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE MAYOR PLEASE DON’T SMOKE NEAR THE PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MIGHT NOT BE WORTH ANYTHING, BUT OUR PETROL IS AFTER USE, EMPLOYEES MUST EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD ANYONE LEAVING THEIR CLOTHES HERE FOR MORE THAN 21 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS MANURE. 50p PER PRE-PACKED SACK ELEPHANTS PLEASE DON’T LEAVE YOUR CAR (safari park).

Some people ask the secret of Anthony's long marriage. They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home. The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays.

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A date rape-drug on the market called "Beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs". "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship". It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage". Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.

One evening after dinner, a five-year-old boy noticed that his mother had gone out and he asked his father, "Where did mommy go?" In answer to his question, he was told, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party." This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, daddy?" The man had always given his son honest answers, so he figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, son," he said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other." He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime... Then he burst out into laughter, and said, "Come on, Dad! What is it really?"

A hillbilly family's only son saves up money to go to college. After about three years, he comes back home. They are sitting around the dinner table, when the dad says, ''Well son, you done gone to college, so you must be perty smart. Why don't you speak some math fer' us?'' ''Ok, Pa.'' The son then says, ''Pi R squared.'' After a moment, the dad says, ''Why son, they ain't teached ya nothin'! Pie are round, cornbread are square.''.

What do you call a mushroom who buys you drinks all night? A real Fungi to be with.

A man and woman are sitting on their porch drinking a beer. The man says, "I love you." The woman says, "Is that you talking or the beer talking?" The man says, "That's me talking to the beer!"

The huge Air Canada Jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom. "This is Capt. Johnson, we're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and enjoy your stay in Toronto". Well the Capt. forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot "Well skipper, wotcha gonna do in Toronto?" Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation. "Well", says the skipper, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel and go for a mega-huge dump. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and slip the old salami to her all night". Well, everyone in the plane's trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to get the intercom off. Half way down, she trips over an old ladies handbag - and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says, "No need to run dearie, he's got to go for a shit first!"

What does a snowman eat for dinner? Ice-burgers.

Andy Rooney On... Ads In Bills: Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank You." On Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me Married . That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but its hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes. On Pregnancy: Its weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, Oh my. He is kicking. Do you wanna feel it? I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! Its weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. Oh my...give me your hand...It wont be long now... On Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, "Sexy Senior Citizen." You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday. On Award Shows: Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing. On Phone-In-Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say I don't know. It costs 90 cents to call up and vote... Why they're voting I don't know. Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. I DON'T KNOW! Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about. On Answering Machine: Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is Share the love. Beep." Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling... Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.

On a ski lift in Taos, NM: "No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted." Official sign near door: Door Alarmed. Handprinted sign nearby: Window frightened. Road sign seen on the island of Cyprus : "Caution: Road Slippery from Grapejuice" MORE OF AN AD THAN A SIGN, but... A billboard seen next to the highway, travelling from Johannesburg International Airport into town. An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the roof and all the windows down. The caption reads: "Our hardware runs better without WINDOWS!" Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years ago: restrooms <----- Please wait for hostess to seat you. Sign in front of church in Montpelier, VT: Bingo Friday night at 8:00pm Quickies Thursday at 7:30pm. Seen in a health food store: "Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot." "Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense." I went to a little hole-in-the-wall restaurant: "Women are not served here... You have to bring your own."

The Perverse Guide To Getting Hired Chapter 1 - The Resume Your resume is a crucial document that summarises the essence of your being to a potential employer. You must grab a personnel director's attention with your sheer, overpowering wonderfulness, or your vitae will wind up lining the bottom of her parakeet's cage. Write a boring resume and you might as well run down now and join the other unemployed grads behind the appliance store, fighting for the choicest refrigerator carton to live in. To grab an employer's jaded eye you must create the written equivalent of a banshee wail! Print your resume on hunter's orange paper, so it nearly leaps out of the stack. Experiment with striking fonts, and use as many as possible. Writing your name in 2 inch high 3-D Western style letters at the top says "Check ME out! I'm no shrinking violet!" Sprinkle a bit of your most sensual cologne on the sheet, and ladies, be sure to add a good lipstick smooch mark at the bottom. Don't forget your picture, too! Be sure and staple several of your best 8x10 glossies from Glamour Shots on top. Now that you've achieved that visceral "oomph", it's time to polish the contents to bring out or even invent your positive qualities. Remember, a skilled wordsmith can transform any qualification or attribute, no matter how trifling, into a saleable skill. Let's look at some examples of putting the best "spin" on a job seeker's skills: "I flipped burgers for three weeks at Lardee's." A mere burger flipper? Why sell yourself so short? Describe yourself as a "Grill Co-ordinator", or perhaps a "Culinary Technician". "I subbed in for my nephew's paper route one weekend." Ah! So you were previously employed in "Communication Services!" Describe yourself as a "Journalism Representative." "I spent the last five years sitting on a couch eating Cheetos and watching Charlie's Angels reruns." You can transform the pathetic into the energetic by referring to yourself as a "Consumer Broadcasting Specialist." Let them know how much time you've wisely invested in "Popular Drama Studies." "I worked in telemarketing." Die you scumbag. "I like to drink 3 or 4 bottles of Night Train wine and pass out in a puddle of my own urine." I see! An "Alternative Hygiene Researcher" who throws himself into his work! Always remember to use active, "can-do" language in your resume, and be sure to include as many of the following terms as possible: 1) Excellence 2) Goal-oriented 3) Forward-thinking 4) Like Working with People 5) Striving It may be useful to define these as keyboard macros immediately. Chapter 2 - The Interview So now you've got that big chance to shine in person. Once again, you've got to stand out from the crowd! First, consider your apparel carefully. Gold lame harem pants will leave a lasting impression, as will a nice fish or penis tie, available in classier novelty stores. Make these items staples of your professional wardrobe. Next, practice that handshake, and consider adding a little thumb twist manoeuvre or a good high- five. And remember, no one likes shaking dry, chapped hands, so make sure yours are damp when you leave the restroom. Now jump right in, and distinguish yourself with your first words. Here's some suggestions for opening lines: "The voices told me I'm perfect for this job." "I can make an impressive incendiary device from just your tie, that pen, and a quart of anti-freeze." "Maybe you can't tell, but I'm not wearing any underwear." "Let's make this fast, I'm late for my medication." "The foil wrapped around my head is to block out invisible rays." "I was once abducted by a UFO, and the aliens let me pilot their Starship." "I brought my invisible friend, is that okay?" "I have the gift of second sight, and if you step on Flight 109, it will be your last!" Now that you've made a big impression, make sure you'll have plenty of time to expound upon your finer qualities. Consider handcuffing yourself to the interviewer's desk, or perhaps smear super-glue on your hand and grab them while shouting "Wonder twin powers, activate!" Conclude the interview as notably as you began it. A gratuity is always welcome, so palm the interviewer a crisp new dollar in the closing handshake while saying "Guess Mr. Washington and I have this job wrapped up, huh? " And certainly don't forget the follow-up! Unless a restraining order has been obtained by the employer, call collect every hour thereafter to remind them of your sincerity.