Can I get you a cold banana?

A man enters a cafe, sits down & notices that the special of the day is cold chili. When the waitress comes to take his order, he says, "I'll take the cold chili." "I'm sorry, the gentlemen next to you got the last bowl," says the waitress. "Oh. I'll just have coffee, then." After a while the man notices that the guy next to him who got the last bowl of cold chili is finishing a rather large meal and the chili bowl is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that?" The other man replies, "No." "Would you sell it to me?" "You can have it for free if you want it." So the man takes the bowl of chili and begins to eat it. When he gets about half way through the bowl, he notices a dead mouse in the bowl and pukes the chili back into the bowl. The other man says sympathetically, "That's about as far as I got, too."

Typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

By Rick Steelhammer I realized Valentine's Day was rapidly approaching when my shopping cart collided with a rack of boxer shorts decorated with dancing hearts and open-armed teddy bears while making the rounds at my neighborhood all-night discount store. Figuring out what to buy for Valentine's Day has always been a problem for me. Deciding what not to buy is easier, as in the case of the festive holiday boxers, but doesn't solve the initial problem. Consultations with a variety of Web sites showed me that there is no shortage of gift ideas out there, but I'm still hard-pressed to decide what to get. I've narrowed it down to something between a $250,000 Neiman-Marcus/Nature Conservancy offer to donate a scenic, ecologically important parcel of land in my significant other's name to Wal-Mart's Valentine's suggestion of a Remington nose and ear hair trimmer, which lists for $9.96. I'm hoping to avoid joining the ranks of thousands of other guys who find themselves desperately cruising the all-night groceries, truck stops and convenience stores on the wee hours of Feb. 14, looking for a gift that won't disappoint their sweethearts. But you can go crazy finding the perfect gift. Actually, losing your head is nothing new when it comes to Valentine's Day. Contrary to popular male legend, the holiday was not the brainstorm of the greeting card industry, but a tribute to Valentinus, a bishop of Rome in 269. Valentinus ignored an edict by Emperor Claudius forbidding Roman soldiers from marriage, to prevent them from leaving the army for family life. Valentinus was discovered presiding over secret marriage ceremonies for soldiers and their women and imprisoned. While in jail, he miraculously restored the sight of a blind girl. According to the legend, just before he was beheaded on Feb. 14, 269, he sent the girl a note signed "From your Valentine." The rest, as they say, is history -- though I have a little trouble understanding how a tribute to a beheaded martyr has evolved into an observance marked by the exchange of chocolate-covered cherries and heart-festooned underpants. Even the rounded, triangular-shaped design used to depict the heart bears little resemblance to the pump that distributes blood through the Valentine-buying public. Fact is, it much more closely resembles the prostate gland, which middle-aged males like me worry about at least as much as our hearts. But there's little chance that we'll see Valentine greeting cards with copy like this: "Be with me, love Come hold my hand I feel your presence In my prostate gland."

Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have dinner with.

The Feline DietMost diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean . the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you`ll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!DAY ONEBreakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse`s or partner`s plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.DAY TWOBreakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.DAY THREEBreakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse`s or partner`s cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.FINAL DAYBreakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse`s or partner`s pillow.Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night`s chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.

Knock Knock Who's there! Bean! Bean who? Bean working very hard today!

Peter Pan once woke-up Chuck Norris at 5:00 AM in the morning. As a result, Cuck Norris made Pancakes for breakfast.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee Have you tried taking the spoon out?

If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles: The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes, The South has 'mater samiches. The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses. The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee Press on Nails. The North has double last names, The South has double first names. The North has Ted Kennedy, The South has Jesse Helms. The North has an ambulance, The South has an amalance. The North has the Mafia, The South has the Klan. The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car races. The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits. The North has green salads, The South has collard greens. The North has lobsters, The South has craw dads. The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible Belt. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Don't buy food at this store. Remember, "ya'll" is singular, "all ya'll" is plural, and "all a'll's" is plural possessive. Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?" You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Ya'll ought not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!" Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper. Be advised that "He needed kill'n" is a valid defense here. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, ya'll, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there. When you come upon a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that is the proper speed and position for that vehicle. Do not be surprised to find that 10 year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim. In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway. If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

Endearing terms It’s Daniel and Rivkah’s 50th wedding anniversary and to celebrate, their son Aaron invites the close family to a Golden Wedding dinner at his house. During the evening, Aaron gets very emotional every time he hears his dad call his mum by such endearing terms as ‘darling’, ‘petal’, ‘sweetheart’ and ‘my lover.’ It’s clear to Aaron that his parents are still very much in love. While Rivkah is out the room, Aaron goes over to his father, kisses him and quietly says, "Dad, I’m so pleased for you both. I think it`s fantastic that after 50 years you’re still calling mum by those loving pet names." But Daniel, looking very embarrassed, says, "Things are not always what they seem to be, son. I must tell you the truth - I forgot your mother’s name about 5 years ago."

I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.

There are three women. One is dating, one is engaged, and one is married. They decide to get kinky with their men and really pull out all the stops to make it extra special. The woman who is dating says, “Okay, so I bought black leather, red lipstick, fishnet stockings, and really got crazy. He loved it so much he thinks he’s in love.” The woman who is engaged says, “I showed up to his work after hours wearing only a red coat. Let’s just say he wants to move the wedding date up!” The woman who is married says, “Okay, I really went all out. I got a babysitter for the kids, and bought a black mask and a whip. My husband gets home, goes straight to the fridge, and grabs a beer. Then he plops down on the couch and says, 'Hey Batman! Where the f*ck is dinner?!?'"

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn`t be eating here."

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc..." HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit. TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle. BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bo.

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot`s approach "I`ve asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I`ll kick you".The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can`t fly, you complain too much!"

Have you heard the story about the loaf of bread? No. Oh, crumbs.

Q: What does a skeleton get when he goes to a bar?A: A beer and a mop.

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners what had happened. About 1 hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn. "What happened to you?", asked Bill. "Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the Cigar and his 19 year old daughter made mad passionate love to me," said the driver. "My God, what did you tell them?", asks Clinton. The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig."

Yo momma so fat her favorite food is seconds.